So, about a week ago I walked the inner path around the mountain again with a friend, Suzanne from Germany. It was a very pleasant walk. Technically one is supposed to go around in a silent meditative mood but we were talking and sharing our experiences in meditative mood instead.
We set off around 7am and once we had gone most of the way around and hit town we took the back streets instead of the unpleasant main road. It was quite a revelation. It was quite a peaceful village atmosphere, the streets were clean and the people were very friendly. We got accosted several times by groups of young children who were all smiles saying 'hello, how are you?', 'what is your name?' and 'where do you come from?'. I guess that those are the most common converstional english questions they learn in school. Then of course they are very keen for 'one pencil', 'one ruppee' and 'one chocolate please'!
Unfortunately I didn't have anything much to give them other than the first lot who I gave some bananas. Next time I go I'll try to remember to take a bag of pencils and maybe chocolates with me and I'm sure I'll be very popular. Actually it was a very nice experience and the children were very innocent, happy and sweet. They were very keen to be photographed and got a big kick out of seeing themselves on the digi-camera screen. I got some great pictures and have posted a selection on Facebook (hence the invitations to join some of you got).
After coming out of the village back streets we got some delicious freshly squeezed sugarcane juice and then proceeded up and across the side of the mountain towards the back of Ramana Ashram; completing our circuit and again avoiding the busy town. We climbed up to Virupuksha Cave and Skanda Ashram which are the two places where Ramana Maharishi spent much of the first twenty or so years of his time at Arunachala.
Suzanne took me to her favourite contemplation spot under a tree at the back of the small Skanda Ashram complex and we chilled out for a while. There was a band of monkeys jumping around in the trees around us and as I was about to leave a whole pile of very young ones came right up to me and were playing and pulling at me. It was quite special and I managed to take 3mins of video footage as well as some photo's which I will also post on facebook.
If you want to join Facebook then I have put a link on the left hand column of this blog page which will take you directly to the sign-up page. Registering is easy to do and you will have the option of allowing the website to search your email address book to locate friends who are already members and others who you might want to invite. If you don't want to do that there is an option at the bottom to skip those steps. So maybe see you on facebook sometime........
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
and then some.......!
Ok, so one more post on self-enquiry before I get to the nice story :) So it seems apparent that there are two practical aspects to this self-enquiry; the first being focusing awareness on this sense of individual 'I-ness', and the second as effortlessly abiding as expansive clear awareness.
What I have been reporting on in the last two blog posts has related to the first aspect. That is focusing awareness on the feeling-sense of 'I-ness' which we tacitly take to be real and which is said to be the basis of all our identification as an individual 'me'. It seems that this feeling-sense of 'me' has it's roots in unconscious identification with the 'I' thought. It is said to not be real but continues to have an existence until such times as we bring awareness into it where upon it begins to lose it's hold and eventually disappears.
What is then said to be left is the light of the True Self; the True 'I Am' whereupon all duality and separation cease to exist (it was only ever an illusionary appearance anyway we are told). Ramana Maharishi wasn't all the time intently focused on the individual sense of 'me-ness'. No, for him it was long gone and he lived naturally in expansive clear awareness devoid of separation.
So the second practical aspect of self-enquiry is this abiding as expansive clear awareness. The word 'practical' implies something to do but this is more of a non-doing. An effortless resting in presence which in itself catalyses further expansion. I would hazard an estimation that to the extent that we are free from the bondage of unconscious identification with 'me' is the extent to which our awareness is naturally able to expand in effortless being.
Andrew has contributed some useful comments describing this second aspect of self-enquiry which I reproduce here :
“Being present AS You (Pure Awareness)” versus “focusing awareness ON you (individual sense of me-ness)”.
So the book title, "Relax into clear seeing" is accurate. I was taught a helpful method - continually renewing the following: "I intend to be present" No trying, just renew the intention then drop it. It is non-intellectual and quite helpful. There is no diving per se, but there is a stopping of seeking and a relaxing into what is here and now. Then the sense of Is-ness becomes apparent.
In a similar vein, instead of straining our eyes to see something, let the light fall upon your eyes. Instead of listening to hear something, let the sound effortlessly enter your ear. This encourages innocence, innocent non-verbal perception, effortlessness, non-grasping of the senses.
So these two aspects seem to be different and I will draw a tentative conclusion that as long as they seem to be different then one would be well advised to cultivate both. Regularly giving exclusive attention to investigating with awareness this 'thing which feels like me', and the rest of the time, whether active or inactive, resting, in as much as we are able, in this expansive clear awareness.
I will hazard a guess that over time the distinction between the two aspects falls away until even the focusing of attention upon the increasingly subtle sense of 'me-ness' is occuring within expanded clear awareness.
Ultimately too, the sense of 'me-ness' will completely dissolve and then...... and then...... and then we'll just have to wait and experience it for ourselves but for sure something good will happen.
The above discussion is something I've been trying to get clear on for some time and what has been said seems to make sense at least for me. The practice begins with the effort of focusing attention on and isolating the feeling-sense of 'me-ness' and expands into effortless being in the pure unencumbered awareness that we already are.
What I have been reporting on in the last two blog posts has related to the first aspect. That is focusing awareness on the feeling-sense of 'I-ness' which we tacitly take to be real and which is said to be the basis of all our identification as an individual 'me'. It seems that this feeling-sense of 'me' has it's roots in unconscious identification with the 'I' thought. It is said to not be real but continues to have an existence until such times as we bring awareness into it where upon it begins to lose it's hold and eventually disappears.
What is then said to be left is the light of the True Self; the True 'I Am' whereupon all duality and separation cease to exist (it was only ever an illusionary appearance anyway we are told). Ramana Maharishi wasn't all the time intently focused on the individual sense of 'me-ness'. No, for him it was long gone and he lived naturally in expansive clear awareness devoid of separation.
So the second practical aspect of self-enquiry is this abiding as expansive clear awareness. The word 'practical' implies something to do but this is more of a non-doing. An effortless resting in presence which in itself catalyses further expansion. I would hazard an estimation that to the extent that we are free from the bondage of unconscious identification with 'me' is the extent to which our awareness is naturally able to expand in effortless being.
Andrew has contributed some useful comments describing this second aspect of self-enquiry which I reproduce here :
“Being present AS You (Pure Awareness)” versus “focusing awareness ON you (individual sense of me-ness)”.
So the book title, "Relax into clear seeing" is accurate. I was taught a helpful method - continually renewing the following: "I intend to be present" No trying, just renew the intention then drop it. It is non-intellectual and quite helpful. There is no diving per se, but there is a stopping of seeking and a relaxing into what is here and now. Then the sense of Is-ness becomes apparent.
In a similar vein, instead of straining our eyes to see something, let the light fall upon your eyes. Instead of listening to hear something, let the sound effortlessly enter your ear. This encourages innocence, innocent non-verbal perception, effortlessness, non-grasping of the senses.
So these two aspects seem to be different and I will draw a tentative conclusion that as long as they seem to be different then one would be well advised to cultivate both. Regularly giving exclusive attention to investigating with awareness this 'thing which feels like me', and the rest of the time, whether active or inactive, resting, in as much as we are able, in this expansive clear awareness.
I will hazard a guess that over time the distinction between the two aspects falls away until even the focusing of attention upon the increasingly subtle sense of 'me-ness' is occuring within expanded clear awareness.
Ultimately too, the sense of 'me-ness' will completely dissolve and then...... and then...... and then we'll just have to wait and experience it for ourselves but for sure something good will happen.
The above discussion is something I've been trying to get clear on for some time and what has been said seems to make sense at least for me. The practice begins with the effort of focusing attention on and isolating the feeling-sense of 'me-ness' and expands into effortless being in the pure unencumbered awareness that we already are.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
who the hell am I?
Well, it's been an intense couple of days. Between Monday and Tuesday I went to five Satsangs with four different teachers! They were Mooji, Big Tex (A.Ramana), Werner and a new one called Madhukar.
Like Mooji, Madhukar (a German man with a very shinny head) honours Papaji as his Spiritual Master. For those who don't know, Papaji was an Indian man who left the body in the late 1990's. For about the last 10 years of his life many many Western seekers came to him and it seems that quite a number had significant awakenings to their true nature and are now teachers in their own right. Papaji himself went through his Awakening with Ramana Maharishi at Arunachala back in the 1940's.
So during the first Satsang with Mooji on Monday I got some clarity about Self-Enquiry which I expressed in the previous posting 'the thing that feels like me'. That evening I went to Madhukar for the first time (he was only here for a couple of days and is gone already). I felt quite high awareness energy in his presence and he sits there a lot of the time in silence.
I had noticed that 'this thing that feels like me' is also an object of awareness so I asked Madhukar to help me understand the distinction; what is the true 'I am'? Paraphrasing, he said that there is no distinction; it is a continuum. 'I am' appears in an individuated form as that thing which feels like me and expands to infinity in increasingly higher levels of awareness.
Later on, while by myself, I reasoned that this continuum of awareness, like the electromagnetic spectrum, could extend ad infinitum in either direction, so then where is the end of it? It strikes me that any vibration is part of the manifest existence which, like the moon, has no light of it's own and only reflects the pure light of the unmanifest Self. No matter how refined awareness in vibration becomes there must still exist a subtle distinction (separation) between the perceiver and the perceived until such times as awareness is turned back upon itself and merges with it's own source as the ever effulgent Self of Pure Consciousness. The One without a Second.
The following morning I went for Satsang with A.Ramana and asked him many questions about Self-Enquiry trying to understand what is meant and to relate it to my own experience. It came to a point where, even although I only had one question left, he put the kaibosch on me saying that I ought to just do it rather than continually objectify it and ask questions about it. It was a slightly heated exchange and in the end I just had to shut up and close my eyes.
My ego was quite provoked feeling somewhat misunderstood, frustrated and even slightly resentful, however I did not take it too seriously and recognised the value of having a very obvious expression of 'me-ness' to watch in meditation. Later on outside in the second session someone asked a question about what the Sages describe as the unreality of the world. A.Ramana was espousing the typically Advaita Vedantic (the Indian school of non-dual philosophy) view that the world has no objective existence independent of ones subjective perception of it, such that when one goes to sleep the world ceases to exist and then springs back into existence upon awakening.
I found this objectionable and did not accept his arguments or assertion that unless one accepts the unreality of the world then one can never transcend it. I sat there quietly simmering and yet in quite an aware state. No-one was saying anything and then A.Ramana said that if anyone had any questions then they had better ask them now while there is the opportunity. After ascertaining that he was accepting questions and comments from me I expressed my disagreement. He said he can understand why I would find it hard to accept but never the less.......................
Afterwards I read a chapter he had recommended to the original asker of the unreality question and found that what A.Ramana was saying was almost verbatim what Ramana Maharishi had been recorded as saying on the topic. Ramana Maharishi also said that the really important thing is not whether or not the world is real but to find out to whom it is seeming to be real or unreal. That is also a message continuously affirmed by A.Ramana whose stated mission is to preserve and disseminate the pure teaching of Sri Ramana Maharishi.
In the afternoon I went to Werner Satsang and put the question of the stated unreality of the world to him. He said that in a way it is true if we consider from a quantum physics point of view that there is no such thing as solid matter - it is all just ghostly vibrations of energy popping in and out of existence. Really there is just some big interrelated energy field out of which our senses and mind create some sort of picture of reality. On the other hand, there does seem to be consistency and common ground to this experience of the world. He advised just to accept it as a mystery, as some kind of holographic magic show, and the best position to take on it is no position, honestly accepting that one does not really know how it is. The main thing again being to come back to the centre and reside in that pure awareness of now. Werner is good as he can talk from many points of view and gives answers which are easily related to.
Finally in the evening I went back to Madhukar. I had no questions and after taking a comfortable posture went into quite a deep or high state of meditation where I remained silently alert for the duration of the Satsang and for the sing-along afterwards.
This morning as I lay on the bed after a papaya breakfast I asked myself 'who is lying here?', answer 'I am', 'and who am I?'
'who is having these imaginations?' 'I am' 'and who am I?'
'who is enjoying this pleasure?' 'I am' 'and who am I?'
'who is suffering this misery?' 'I am' 'and who am I?'
'who is thinking these thoughts?' 'I am' 'and who am I?'
The questions are just a way to short circuit the thinking process and to invoke the sense of 'me-ness', continually redirecting awareness back to it; this 'me-ness' which is said to be the lynchpin which underlies the whole structure of ego-mind-body identification.
If I am understanding correctly then this is Self-Enquiry, which is said by the Sages to be the direct way to dissolve the illusion of separateness and whereby Self-Realisation becomes apparent. By consistently cultivating this enquiry the individual 'I am' eventually becomes purified from mind identification and merges back with it's source - the Pure Self.
So the way seems clear enough; all that remains is to apply it and see it through to its conclusion. Even the so called conclusion is not in our hands and is said to be an act of Grace whereby the Universal Self seemingly reaches down and lifts us up into a new way of Being. All we can do as apparent individuals with apparent free will is to do the best we can to be present and in making ourselves available and presumably sooner or later somethings gotta give. There is no telling how long it could take; it could happen this very instant or it could take a long time so I guess one of the keys is to find the balance between intensity and relaxation.
Once the job is done then life in all it's expressions is said to be experienced as a direct manifestation of the Self in motion. There is said to no longer be any separation between stillness and activity, subject and object. All is a play of Oneness. I guess that is something which has to be experienced to really know what it means.
So that's that. On to more everday topics, I mentioned before that I have a nice story to tell and some nice pictures to share which I intend will be the subject of my next post. Some of you will have received an invitation to join Facebook from me. The reason for that is that I intend to use Facebook to post a greater number of photo's than I am able to on this blog and maybe even some short movie clips. However in order to view that you will need to become a member which is actually very painless and easy. If you want it to the website will even do a search for you of all the people in your email address book who are already members and link you up. I was surprised how many of my friends were already members and am glad that I finally joined.
Like Mooji, Madhukar (a German man with a very shinny head) honours Papaji as his Spiritual Master. For those who don't know, Papaji was an Indian man who left the body in the late 1990's. For about the last 10 years of his life many many Western seekers came to him and it seems that quite a number had significant awakenings to their true nature and are now teachers in their own right. Papaji himself went through his Awakening with Ramana Maharishi at Arunachala back in the 1940's.
So during the first Satsang with Mooji on Monday I got some clarity about Self-Enquiry which I expressed in the previous posting 'the thing that feels like me'. That evening I went to Madhukar for the first time (he was only here for a couple of days and is gone already). I felt quite high awareness energy in his presence and he sits there a lot of the time in silence.
I had noticed that 'this thing that feels like me' is also an object of awareness so I asked Madhukar to help me understand the distinction; what is the true 'I am'? Paraphrasing, he said that there is no distinction; it is a continuum. 'I am' appears in an individuated form as that thing which feels like me and expands to infinity in increasingly higher levels of awareness.
Later on, while by myself, I reasoned that this continuum of awareness, like the electromagnetic spectrum, could extend ad infinitum in either direction, so then where is the end of it? It strikes me that any vibration is part of the manifest existence which, like the moon, has no light of it's own and only reflects the pure light of the unmanifest Self. No matter how refined awareness in vibration becomes there must still exist a subtle distinction (separation) between the perceiver and the perceived until such times as awareness is turned back upon itself and merges with it's own source as the ever effulgent Self of Pure Consciousness. The One without a Second.
The following morning I went for Satsang with A.Ramana and asked him many questions about Self-Enquiry trying to understand what is meant and to relate it to my own experience. It came to a point where, even although I only had one question left, he put the kaibosch on me saying that I ought to just do it rather than continually objectify it and ask questions about it. It was a slightly heated exchange and in the end I just had to shut up and close my eyes.
My ego was quite provoked feeling somewhat misunderstood, frustrated and even slightly resentful, however I did not take it too seriously and recognised the value of having a very obvious expression of 'me-ness' to watch in meditation. Later on outside in the second session someone asked a question about what the Sages describe as the unreality of the world. A.Ramana was espousing the typically Advaita Vedantic (the Indian school of non-dual philosophy) view that the world has no objective existence independent of ones subjective perception of it, such that when one goes to sleep the world ceases to exist and then springs back into existence upon awakening.
I found this objectionable and did not accept his arguments or assertion that unless one accepts the unreality of the world then one can never transcend it. I sat there quietly simmering and yet in quite an aware state. No-one was saying anything and then A.Ramana said that if anyone had any questions then they had better ask them now while there is the opportunity. After ascertaining that he was accepting questions and comments from me I expressed my disagreement. He said he can understand why I would find it hard to accept but never the less.......................
Afterwards I read a chapter he had recommended to the original asker of the unreality question and found that what A.Ramana was saying was almost verbatim what Ramana Maharishi had been recorded as saying on the topic. Ramana Maharishi also said that the really important thing is not whether or not the world is real but to find out to whom it is seeming to be real or unreal. That is also a message continuously affirmed by A.Ramana whose stated mission is to preserve and disseminate the pure teaching of Sri Ramana Maharishi.
In the afternoon I went to Werner Satsang and put the question of the stated unreality of the world to him. He said that in a way it is true if we consider from a quantum physics point of view that there is no such thing as solid matter - it is all just ghostly vibrations of energy popping in and out of existence. Really there is just some big interrelated energy field out of which our senses and mind create some sort of picture of reality. On the other hand, there does seem to be consistency and common ground to this experience of the world. He advised just to accept it as a mystery, as some kind of holographic magic show, and the best position to take on it is no position, honestly accepting that one does not really know how it is. The main thing again being to come back to the centre and reside in that pure awareness of now. Werner is good as he can talk from many points of view and gives answers which are easily related to.
Finally in the evening I went back to Madhukar. I had no questions and after taking a comfortable posture went into quite a deep or high state of meditation where I remained silently alert for the duration of the Satsang and for the sing-along afterwards.
This morning as I lay on the bed after a papaya breakfast I asked myself 'who is lying here?', answer 'I am', 'and who am I?'
'who is having these imaginations?' 'I am' 'and who am I?'
'who is enjoying this pleasure?' 'I am' 'and who am I?'
'who is suffering this misery?' 'I am' 'and who am I?'
'who is thinking these thoughts?' 'I am' 'and who am I?'
The questions are just a way to short circuit the thinking process and to invoke the sense of 'me-ness', continually redirecting awareness back to it; this 'me-ness' which is said to be the lynchpin which underlies the whole structure of ego-mind-body identification.
If I am understanding correctly then this is Self-Enquiry, which is said by the Sages to be the direct way to dissolve the illusion of separateness and whereby Self-Realisation becomes apparent. By consistently cultivating this enquiry the individual 'I am' eventually becomes purified from mind identification and merges back with it's source - the Pure Self.
So the way seems clear enough; all that remains is to apply it and see it through to its conclusion. Even the so called conclusion is not in our hands and is said to be an act of Grace whereby the Universal Self seemingly reaches down and lifts us up into a new way of Being. All we can do as apparent individuals with apparent free will is to do the best we can to be present and in making ourselves available and presumably sooner or later somethings gotta give. There is no telling how long it could take; it could happen this very instant or it could take a long time so I guess one of the keys is to find the balance between intensity and relaxation.
Once the job is done then life in all it's expressions is said to be experienced as a direct manifestation of the Self in motion. There is said to no longer be any separation between stillness and activity, subject and object. All is a play of Oneness. I guess that is something which has to be experienced to really know what it means.
So that's that. On to more everday topics, I mentioned before that I have a nice story to tell and some nice pictures to share which I intend will be the subject of my next post. Some of you will have received an invitation to join Facebook from me. The reason for that is that I intend to use Facebook to post a greater number of photo's than I am able to on this blog and maybe even some short movie clips. However in order to view that you will need to become a member which is actually very painless and easy. If you want it to the website will even do a search for you of all the people in your email address book who are already members and link you up. I was surprised how many of my friends were already members and am glad that I finally joined.
Monday, March 2, 2009
that thing which feels like me
The following blog post is entirely devoted to the topic of self-enquiry. I will post another blog soon with more stories and pictures etc.
This thing about self-enquiry can seem a bit abstract with all of this looking for the 'I' thought. My friend Bill said a very helpful thing to me in an email, inspired as he was by ex-jailbird Satsang giver John Sherman.
What he said was to give attention to that thing which feels like me. That I found helped me as 'that thing which feels like me' is somehow more tangible and real than a fleeting 'I' thought.
'That thing which feels like me' is the internal feeling-sense of 'amness' or 'I am'. Mooji explained it well in his final final Satsang here this morning. Quoting Nisargadatta Maharaj he said that this feeling-sense of 'I am' is like a doorway or a bridge; on one side it leads to infinity and on the other it leads to the bondage of mind identification.
From this subjective feeling-sense of 'amness' arises the 'I' thought which identifies itself with externals. Mooji described the 'I am' as a chamelion being which takes on the colour of that which it identifies with. If it is identifying with the mind through the 'I' thought then the sense of who we are becomes dependent upon the self-image, situations and circumstances.
If on the other hand we give our attention to the pure sense of 'I am' (that thing which feels like me), not indulging in the habit of imaginations, then the sense of who we are begins to merge with the non-changing peace and inherent wholeness of the inner Self.
It is not a fight, thoughts will naturally come and go; the key is to patiently keep bringing the attention back to the pure sense of 'I am' when we become aware of our attention having wandered. With cultivation it is said to stablize until eventually nothing can overshadow it.
If that still seems intangible then a good way in is by meditating upon the natural flow of the breath in a similar manner. Once the body, mind and breath have settled down then one can turn ones attention towards the feeling-sense of 'I am'.
One can silently ask oneself the question 'who is sitting here?' or 'to whom are these thoughts occuring?'. Naturally the answer comes 'I am' or 'to me'. That is the clue; pay attention to this sense of 'I' or 'me'. One can then ask oneself 'and who am I?'. This is not an invitation to speculative thought but simply a device to maintain an alert and inquisitive focus of awareness upon this inherent sense of 'amness' - that thing which feels like me.
Generally it is recommended to set aside a period of time once or more a day to close ones eyes and give ones full attention to this enquiry (say 10/20/30 mins to start with). This sets the tone, then during the rest of the day to maintain an awareness of this inner 'I am' as best as one can and gradualy gradualy it becomes more established.
I just wanted to share that with you! :)
This thing about self-enquiry can seem a bit abstract with all of this looking for the 'I' thought. My friend Bill said a very helpful thing to me in an email, inspired as he was by ex-jailbird Satsang giver John Sherman.
What he said was to give attention to that thing which feels like me. That I found helped me as 'that thing which feels like me' is somehow more tangible and real than a fleeting 'I' thought.
'That thing which feels like me' is the internal feeling-sense of 'amness' or 'I am'. Mooji explained it well in his final final Satsang here this morning. Quoting Nisargadatta Maharaj he said that this feeling-sense of 'I am' is like a doorway or a bridge; on one side it leads to infinity and on the other it leads to the bondage of mind identification.
From this subjective feeling-sense of 'amness' arises the 'I' thought which identifies itself with externals. Mooji described the 'I am' as a chamelion being which takes on the colour of that which it identifies with. If it is identifying with the mind through the 'I' thought then the sense of who we are becomes dependent upon the self-image, situations and circumstances.
If on the other hand we give our attention to the pure sense of 'I am' (that thing which feels like me), not indulging in the habit of imaginations, then the sense of who we are begins to merge with the non-changing peace and inherent wholeness of the inner Self.
It is not a fight, thoughts will naturally come and go; the key is to patiently keep bringing the attention back to the pure sense of 'I am' when we become aware of our attention having wandered. With cultivation it is said to stablize until eventually nothing can overshadow it.
If that still seems intangible then a good way in is by meditating upon the natural flow of the breath in a similar manner. Once the body, mind and breath have settled down then one can turn ones attention towards the feeling-sense of 'I am'.
One can silently ask oneself the question 'who is sitting here?' or 'to whom are these thoughts occuring?'. Naturally the answer comes 'I am' or 'to me'. That is the clue; pay attention to this sense of 'I' or 'me'. One can then ask oneself 'and who am I?'. This is not an invitation to speculative thought but simply a device to maintain an alert and inquisitive focus of awareness upon this inherent sense of 'amness' - that thing which feels like me.
Generally it is recommended to set aside a period of time once or more a day to close ones eyes and give ones full attention to this enquiry (say 10/20/30 mins to start with). This sets the tone, then during the rest of the day to maintain an awareness of this inner 'I am' as best as one can and gradualy gradualy it becomes more established.
I just wanted to share that with you! :)
Friday, February 27, 2009
bringing out the big-guns
G'day mates. All is well here. This morning I went to another Satsang with Arunachala Ramana, the Texan Big-Gun of Consciousness. I like him very much and as much as I like the others I have met here too (Mooji, Werner, Gaia etc.), Big Tex is high up on my favourites list.
His bi-weekly Satsang starts with an hour of silent sitting followed by an hour of Q&A. Then after an intermission we take chai (sweet indian spiced tea) out on the patio and have another informal hour of Q&A and sitting quietly together. All in the very peaceful setting of the AHAM ashram well away from the bustle of town. The 20min cycle there in the morning is very peaceful and pleasant and one passes many orange clad renunciants and monkeys along the way who are quietly going about their morning business along the shady tree lined mountain road.
There is not much doubt in my mind that Big Tex is consciously residing in the presence of pure consciousness (the Self) and is able to express very clearly and freely from there. Somehow he is not drawing the big crowds like Mooji which means that it is a much more personal and intimate setting where one can interact freely.
Big Tex is only here for another week, before returning to his North Carolina Ashram, and then it seems that Werner will be the only regular Satsang gathering in town (twice weekly) as he is living here year round. There may be the odd visiting teacher but basically the high season is drawing to a close as the heat starts to build and the Westerners start to thin out (I am fine with the heat so far). There is also a Indian Lady Saint here called Siva-Sakhti who gives silent blessings here twice a day; I have been there many times and she reminds me of Yoda as she is so tiny, self-possessed, silent, slow moving and graceful. One can imagine her showing another side if she had to get her light-saber out and put pay to some bad guys!
And of course there is Ramana Ashram and the Mountain itself which are constant beacon lights of Consciousness. Being here is like being in a powerful force field which is drawing all the beings back to awareness of the primordial Self. Big Tex reckons that Arunachala is the planets primary power place of Consciousness which draws more Self-Realised Beings to it than any other place on earth, and that is a view supported by the Indian scriptues and Ramana Maharishi himself.
The thing is this; at the root of our own sense of identity is this 'I' thought. Before 'I am this' or 'I am that' or 'you' or 'that' can arise they are all in reference to this primary idea of 'I'. The approach of Self-Enquiry is simply looking within and becoming aware of this 'I' thought at the subtle level of the mind. Under the steady patient gaze of awareness, and disallowed from spawning progeny, this 'I' thought eventually dissolves and gives way to the experience of the True 'I', the 'Self', which is ever at peace and non-changing. Repeated application over time cultivates steadiness in this natural way of Being.
Self-Enquiry is not the only way. Also held to be effective is direct association with Self-Realised Beings, and attuning one-self to their vibration by repeated subtle remembrance of them (name and form) with devotion; whether near or far, or whether the Sage is still in the body or not.
The Mountain is One; the pathways to the top are many and varied
All rivers lose their names when they merge with the Ocean
Aum Shanti
His bi-weekly Satsang starts with an hour of silent sitting followed by an hour of Q&A. Then after an intermission we take chai (sweet indian spiced tea) out on the patio and have another informal hour of Q&A and sitting quietly together. All in the very peaceful setting of the AHAM ashram well away from the bustle of town. The 20min cycle there in the morning is very peaceful and pleasant and one passes many orange clad renunciants and monkeys along the way who are quietly going about their morning business along the shady tree lined mountain road.
There is not much doubt in my mind that Big Tex is consciously residing in the presence of pure consciousness (the Self) and is able to express very clearly and freely from there. Somehow he is not drawing the big crowds like Mooji which means that it is a much more personal and intimate setting where one can interact freely.
Big Tex is only here for another week, before returning to his North Carolina Ashram, and then it seems that Werner will be the only regular Satsang gathering in town (twice weekly) as he is living here year round. There may be the odd visiting teacher but basically the high season is drawing to a close as the heat starts to build and the Westerners start to thin out (I am fine with the heat so far). There is also a Indian Lady Saint here called Siva-Sakhti who gives silent blessings here twice a day; I have been there many times and she reminds me of Yoda as she is so tiny, self-possessed, silent, slow moving and graceful. One can imagine her showing another side if she had to get her light-saber out and put pay to some bad guys!
And of course there is Ramana Ashram and the Mountain itself which are constant beacon lights of Consciousness. Being here is like being in a powerful force field which is drawing all the beings back to awareness of the primordial Self. Big Tex reckons that Arunachala is the planets primary power place of Consciousness which draws more Self-Realised Beings to it than any other place on earth, and that is a view supported by the Indian scriptues and Ramana Maharishi himself.
The thing is this; at the root of our own sense of identity is this 'I' thought. Before 'I am this' or 'I am that' or 'you' or 'that' can arise they are all in reference to this primary idea of 'I'. The approach of Self-Enquiry is simply looking within and becoming aware of this 'I' thought at the subtle level of the mind. Under the steady patient gaze of awareness, and disallowed from spawning progeny, this 'I' thought eventually dissolves and gives way to the experience of the True 'I', the 'Self', which is ever at peace and non-changing. Repeated application over time cultivates steadiness in this natural way of Being.
Self-Enquiry is not the only way. Also held to be effective is direct association with Self-Realised Beings, and attuning one-self to their vibration by repeated subtle remembrance of them (name and form) with devotion; whether near or far, or whether the Sage is still in the body or not.
The Mountain is One; the pathways to the top are many and varied
All rivers lose their names when they merge with the Ocean
Aum Shanti
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Good vibrations
Got back from the docs tonight and I have a clean bill of health. He is keeping me off oil for another week, spicey for two, and a reduced dose of nutrients for a few weeks to support and detox the liver. Otherwise I am feeling fine and my health seems normal again.
Yesterday for Mahasivaratri I took a walk around the mountain with Sarah, who is moving on tommorrow, and stayed up late meditating and listening to the chanting. Didn't quite manage the all night vigil though. Earlier in the day I took my pocket knife to my hair and cut it all off - at least to about an inch long all the way around. I seem to have done a pretty good job and have been complimented on my new look, which also included cutting the somewhat bushy beard.
The hair had become totally knotted at the back - I could have kept it and it probably would have turned into one big dreadlock but I decided to sacrifice it on that Holy day instead and later on made a private ceremony of burning it which is harder than you think when it is all matted together. I'll try to hook up a picture when I get a half decent one.
So I went to Satsang yesterday with V Ganesan, who is Ramana Maharishi's grand nephew. I don't think that he'd claim to be realised but he is a very sweet man, now in his 60's, who has lots of stories to share from the experiences of many of Ramana's closest disciples. He was 14 when Ramana dropped the body and grew up in the ashram and has spent most of his life here. It was his last Satsang of the season so I just caught him in time.
Have also found another twice weekly Satsang with a Texan going by the name of Arunachala Ramana. They have a pretty nice ashram about 4km around the hill where he spends a few months of the year. He must be in his 60's also and has a great big Texan gut which he had trussed up with a pair of maroon flannel shorts pulled up past his navel with his tee shirt tucked in. Well obviously even spiritual realisation cannot help some people transcend certain limitations but aside from his dreadful fashion sense I enjoyed his Satsang and found him to be genuine enough.
Turns out that Mooji is still in town and is sharing a small Satsang tommorrow morning which I will try to attend. I think he's just been relaxing with his inner circle these last two weeks after several weeks of large public Satsangs. Also went to Werner's Satsang, the Swiss guy, this afternoon which was also good. Yes, there is plenty of Satsang happening in this town and a good proportion of it seems to be of a high quality.
Sri Shankaracharya, a legendary towering spiritual figure in Indian history, has said that Satsang (association with conscious free beings) is the best raft with which to cross the ocean of Samsara (misery). The Universal Self is One. It is the same in me as it is in you and everyone else. Any genuine realised spiritual guide is only a messanger, a channel, for That - our true inner nature of freedom, love, bliss and awareness. The presentation may be different but it is the same wine in different bottles. I enjoy asking them all questions and absorbing the good vibrations.
Yesterday for Mahasivaratri I took a walk around the mountain with Sarah, who is moving on tommorrow, and stayed up late meditating and listening to the chanting. Didn't quite manage the all night vigil though. Earlier in the day I took my pocket knife to my hair and cut it all off - at least to about an inch long all the way around. I seem to have done a pretty good job and have been complimented on my new look, which also included cutting the somewhat bushy beard.
The hair had become totally knotted at the back - I could have kept it and it probably would have turned into one big dreadlock but I decided to sacrifice it on that Holy day instead and later on made a private ceremony of burning it which is harder than you think when it is all matted together. I'll try to hook up a picture when I get a half decent one.
So I went to Satsang yesterday with V Ganesan, who is Ramana Maharishi's grand nephew. I don't think that he'd claim to be realised but he is a very sweet man, now in his 60's, who has lots of stories to share from the experiences of many of Ramana's closest disciples. He was 14 when Ramana dropped the body and grew up in the ashram and has spent most of his life here. It was his last Satsang of the season so I just caught him in time.
Have also found another twice weekly Satsang with a Texan going by the name of Arunachala Ramana. They have a pretty nice ashram about 4km around the hill where he spends a few months of the year. He must be in his 60's also and has a great big Texan gut which he had trussed up with a pair of maroon flannel shorts pulled up past his navel with his tee shirt tucked in. Well obviously even spiritual realisation cannot help some people transcend certain limitations but aside from his dreadful fashion sense I enjoyed his Satsang and found him to be genuine enough.
Turns out that Mooji is still in town and is sharing a small Satsang tommorrow morning which I will try to attend. I think he's just been relaxing with his inner circle these last two weeks after several weeks of large public Satsangs. Also went to Werner's Satsang, the Swiss guy, this afternoon which was also good. Yes, there is plenty of Satsang happening in this town and a good proportion of it seems to be of a high quality.
Sri Shankaracharya, a legendary towering spiritual figure in Indian history, has said that Satsang (association with conscious free beings) is the best raft with which to cross the ocean of Samsara (misery). The Universal Self is One. It is the same in me as it is in you and everyone else. Any genuine realised spiritual guide is only a messanger, a channel, for That - our true inner nature of freedom, love, bliss and awareness. The presentation may be different but it is the same wine in different bottles. I enjoy asking them all questions and absorbing the good vibrations.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Amazing Grace
Hi all and thanks for all of the birthday wishes. Well, not content with being mauled by the ashram dog this body-mind entity went on to contract a nasty dose of Hep A. That is a food/water carried virus which attacks the liver. Supposedly I was innoculated against it in late 2005 but to no avail.
So last Sunday night was safely one of the longest and most seriously unpleasant of my life. It started off with the squits and moved on to fever and chills. At this point the mind was quite serene but later on I was doing it tough. There was vomiting, cramps, joint ache, headache, incredible abdominal pain and many visits to the loo. To make it worse I was out of water and so became very dehydrated. Mind also became feverish and it felt like I had no sleep at all and spent the entire night in suffering; mentally ranting about the injustice and futillity of it all.
Well thankfully all things come and they go. After 5 days of house arrest on doctors orders, a no salt/oil/spice diet, and a smorgasborg of liver supporting nutrients I'm feeling much better. I was very weak for some days and still wracked by frequent abdominal pain, never daring to stray too far from a toilet, but today have been granted going out privelages and after assessing my blood and urine tests tommorrow, the doctor will prescribe me a new more liberal regieme. Luckily for me I'm in a good place and the the ashram staff are looking after me very well.
So that's that. My involuntary imprisonment wasn't too bad and I got in plenty of rest, reading, contemplating and got to know some of the ashram inmates somewhat better. Funnily enough, one morning I went to the dining hall and there sitting beside me was Sarah, a friend from Ashram Yoga in New Zealand. I knew it was only a matter of time before something like that happened.
I think that one of the benefits of this episode, aside from copious amounts of physical purification, was just being happy to be by myself whereas before I had still been struggling a little with feelings of isolation.
Monday night is Mahasivaratri which is a major Hindu event. The Great Night of Shiva at the mountain which is his embodiment. There will be much walking around the hill and staying up all night meditating/chanting going on with all of the tens of thoasands of pilgrims who will come.
On another note, I have figured an easy way to generate email notifications for anyone who wants it when I have posted a new blog entry. This will save you having to randomly check in for new reports. So if you would like to avail yourself of that service then just drop me a quick note and it shall be done.
I plan to definitely stay put until at least the middle of March, after my final rabies injection and the full-moon. After that I don't know.................
Hari Aum Tat Sat
So last Sunday night was safely one of the longest and most seriously unpleasant of my life. It started off with the squits and moved on to fever and chills. At this point the mind was quite serene but later on I was doing it tough. There was vomiting, cramps, joint ache, headache, incredible abdominal pain and many visits to the loo. To make it worse I was out of water and so became very dehydrated. Mind also became feverish and it felt like I had no sleep at all and spent the entire night in suffering; mentally ranting about the injustice and futillity of it all.
Well thankfully all things come and they go. After 5 days of house arrest on doctors orders, a no salt/oil/spice diet, and a smorgasborg of liver supporting nutrients I'm feeling much better. I was very weak for some days and still wracked by frequent abdominal pain, never daring to stray too far from a toilet, but today have been granted going out privelages and after assessing my blood and urine tests tommorrow, the doctor will prescribe me a new more liberal regieme. Luckily for me I'm in a good place and the the ashram staff are looking after me very well.
So that's that. My involuntary imprisonment wasn't too bad and I got in plenty of rest, reading, contemplating and got to know some of the ashram inmates somewhat better. Funnily enough, one morning I went to the dining hall and there sitting beside me was Sarah, a friend from Ashram Yoga in New Zealand. I knew it was only a matter of time before something like that happened.
I think that one of the benefits of this episode, aside from copious amounts of physical purification, was just being happy to be by myself whereas before I had still been struggling a little with feelings of isolation.
Monday night is Mahasivaratri which is a major Hindu event. The Great Night of Shiva at the mountain which is his embodiment. There will be much walking around the hill and staying up all night meditating/chanting going on with all of the tens of thoasands of pilgrims who will come.
On another note, I have figured an easy way to generate email notifications for anyone who wants it when I have posted a new blog entry. This will save you having to randomly check in for new reports. So if you would like to avail yourself of that service then just drop me a quick note and it shall be done.
I plan to definitely stay put until at least the middle of March, after my final rabies injection and the full-moon. After that I don't know.................
Hari Aum Tat Sat
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Now is the Knowing; Eat the cake.
Well happy birthday to me, it's my 34th birthday today. I have been hanging out a fair bit with an American girl Rosie whom I met at Mooji's birthday party. I thought that I might have some dinner with her tonight but it seems she has gone to Pondicherry for a few days so I am celebrating on my own at the moment which is ok with me - no pangs of loneliness at this time. Rosie is mutually in love with a man in the US so it's not that, we are just friends.
It's been over a week since I wrote so a quick run down of some highlights : renting a pedal bike for US50c a day, it gives a lot more freedom and mobility which I like and also makes the gauntlet of passing the many beggars much easier. A couple of times now I have riden around the mountain which only takes an hour or so to do. A few days ago on the full moon there were tens of thoasands of barefooted Indian pilgrims walking around the mountain at night - I went too but wore my shoes this time and went by the road.
Here's a good one : I got bit by Jackie the dog and now have a one inch gash on my left thigh. I continue to break in and out of the ashram compound at night time after curfew but it wasn't that. I was playing with him on the roof and he got over excited and got me on both legs wrecking my good yoga pants. The dog has been immunized against rabies but I am getting the shots anyway just as a precaution and watching carefully for any frothing at the mouth and fear of water. Rabies is fatal so if I die from it nice knowing you all, but I think I will be alright.
Been continuing to go to Mooji Satsang most mornings as well as a couple of other meetings. Mooji is leaving here after Sunday so that will be the end of an era and will leave a big space in my day for other things to happen. The others were smaller groups; one with an Ozzy woman called Miranda who seems to specialize in helping people to release emotions in the presence of Presence. The other is a German guy called Gaia who is very low key and ordinary. Actually from his Satsang one day a couple of pennies dropped. Seems very simple but the realisation was that no matter what thoughts or feelings are arising they are always arising in the now and if one looks, the now is always ok. The other was a seeing of the subtle striving for some pleasant or deep experience in meditation/silent sitting which is a rejection of what is actually happening now. The upshot was a deeper acceptance and peace in the now.
It's simple to say these things but to have an actual experiential recognition of them is something else. No flashing lights or internal explosions just a mellowing into what is. Insights and experiences like that come and go and there's no point in holding on to them or being disappointed when they pass; or rather when the clouds of thought identification temporarly obscure the sun once again. There seems to come a time when nothing can shake the Realisation of Being but that seems to happen only when it is ready to.
My friend Mike from the UK asked me to put a question to one of these 'oracles' here at Arunachala. The question was along the lines of if 'Enlightenment' is the end of the illusion of being a person then who or what remains to know that 'Enlightenment' has happened or is no such self-reflection possible?
I put the question to Gaia and the answer which arose was along these lines: We think that we are a person with particular patterns of thought but that actually the person we think we are is nothing more than these patterns of thought. We are not a person with patterns, the person is the patterns; we are the Awareness. The sense of personhood which we experience, the 'I-ness' of our thoughts and feelings, is only a borrowed reflection from the pure 'I AM'; the Beingness, the Awareness within which all experiences happen and which is aware of experience.
When Realisation dawns then these patterns of thought are seen to be arising within Awareness and they no longer have the sense of 'I-ness'. So any thought which arises in that state such as 'I am now Enlightened' would have no meaning or significance. Then what is aware?
Awareness or Beingness itself is aware. That can be hard to comprehend since we are mostly identified as being a person but I suppose it could be said that the sense of identity has now opened into the dimension of Beingness itself. If our current sense of 'I-ness' is only a borrowed reflection from this pure 'I AM-ness' then what to say of the real thing? It is beyond the mind and therefore beyond the minds capacity to comprehend (other than a few concepts about it). It can only be an experience and yet it is the very 'thing' which makes awareness of experience possible. Perhaps all that can be said about it is that there is a deep sense of Knowingness which neutralises all of these questions? I don't really know.
What motivates action and gives coherence to the remains of such a one? Enlightened intuition? Spontaneous action guided by some higher power? From the standpoint of the mind then it is all open to speculation so so so so so? Maybe better just to eat the cake.
Well, for anyone who is still here after all that, until the next time......................
It's been over a week since I wrote so a quick run down of some highlights : renting a pedal bike for US50c a day, it gives a lot more freedom and mobility which I like and also makes the gauntlet of passing the many beggars much easier. A couple of times now I have riden around the mountain which only takes an hour or so to do. A few days ago on the full moon there were tens of thoasands of barefooted Indian pilgrims walking around the mountain at night - I went too but wore my shoes this time and went by the road.
Here's a good one : I got bit by Jackie the dog and now have a one inch gash on my left thigh. I continue to break in and out of the ashram compound at night time after curfew but it wasn't that. I was playing with him on the roof and he got over excited and got me on both legs wrecking my good yoga pants. The dog has been immunized against rabies but I am getting the shots anyway just as a precaution and watching carefully for any frothing at the mouth and fear of water. Rabies is fatal so if I die from it nice knowing you all, but I think I will be alright.
Been continuing to go to Mooji Satsang most mornings as well as a couple of other meetings. Mooji is leaving here after Sunday so that will be the end of an era and will leave a big space in my day for other things to happen. The others were smaller groups; one with an Ozzy woman called Miranda who seems to specialize in helping people to release emotions in the presence of Presence. The other is a German guy called Gaia who is very low key and ordinary. Actually from his Satsang one day a couple of pennies dropped. Seems very simple but the realisation was that no matter what thoughts or feelings are arising they are always arising in the now and if one looks, the now is always ok. The other was a seeing of the subtle striving for some pleasant or deep experience in meditation/silent sitting which is a rejection of what is actually happening now. The upshot was a deeper acceptance and peace in the now.
It's simple to say these things but to have an actual experiential recognition of them is something else. No flashing lights or internal explosions just a mellowing into what is. Insights and experiences like that come and go and there's no point in holding on to them or being disappointed when they pass; or rather when the clouds of thought identification temporarly obscure the sun once again. There seems to come a time when nothing can shake the Realisation of Being but that seems to happen only when it is ready to.
My friend Mike from the UK asked me to put a question to one of these 'oracles' here at Arunachala. The question was along the lines of if 'Enlightenment' is the end of the illusion of being a person then who or what remains to know that 'Enlightenment' has happened or is no such self-reflection possible?
I put the question to Gaia and the answer which arose was along these lines: We think that we are a person with particular patterns of thought but that actually the person we think we are is nothing more than these patterns of thought. We are not a person with patterns, the person is the patterns; we are the Awareness. The sense of personhood which we experience, the 'I-ness' of our thoughts and feelings, is only a borrowed reflection from the pure 'I AM'; the Beingness, the Awareness within which all experiences happen and which is aware of experience.
When Realisation dawns then these patterns of thought are seen to be arising within Awareness and they no longer have the sense of 'I-ness'. So any thought which arises in that state such as 'I am now Enlightened' would have no meaning or significance. Then what is aware?
Awareness or Beingness itself is aware. That can be hard to comprehend since we are mostly identified as being a person but I suppose it could be said that the sense of identity has now opened into the dimension of Beingness itself. If our current sense of 'I-ness' is only a borrowed reflection from this pure 'I AM-ness' then what to say of the real thing? It is beyond the mind and therefore beyond the minds capacity to comprehend (other than a few concepts about it). It can only be an experience and yet it is the very 'thing' which makes awareness of experience possible. Perhaps all that can be said about it is that there is a deep sense of Knowingness which neutralises all of these questions? I don't really know.
What motivates action and gives coherence to the remains of such a one? Enlightened intuition? Spontaneous action guided by some higher power? From the standpoint of the mind then it is all open to speculation so so so so so? Maybe better just to eat the cake.
Well, for anyone who is still here after all that, until the next time......................
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
doldrums and fresh winds
It seems like a long time since I last wrote. I went through a bit of a downspell there where there was much frustration, boredom, restlessness and doubt. All of this seeming denial of any reality to the ego-self seemed all a bit oppressive and repressive to me. Doesn't the individual personality need to go through certain experiences, expression and growth before the time comes to Realise True Nature as Universal Self? Isn't there a danger of thwarting this growth if one is constantly questioning the reality of ones own existence?
The moment was upon me and I took this question in front of Mr. Mooji after sitting there mentally cursing the whole thing for some days. After a bit of an exchange it became clear to me that all of this paralysis of analysis stuff I was experiencing had it's roots in a fear of making mistakes and an expectation of a state of Being where everything flows naturally and rightly. There may be such a way but in between times one has to function somehow. Mr. Mooji playfully dealt with me and suggested that I give myself full permission to make mistakes. Make as many as I can. It's ok to be human and there's nothing wrong in the joys and sorrows of it all.
I lightened up a bit after that. It doesn't seem to help to get too serious about all of this stuff and maybe, just maybe I can tend somewhat in that direction sometimes. Afterall Beingness is supposed to be a state of freedom; not a heavy burden.
I had been feeling a bit isolated as this is a kind of inward meditational town and where I am living has a guideline of 'noble silence' so not much scope for socialising there. Compound this with the fact that I am not necesarily always the most naturally gregarious of people then it is a bit of a challenge sometimes for me to make new connections. I'm not talking about superficial social exchanges, but really meeting someone in a way which is nourishing; without social masks or protection mechanisms.
What most people would consider as a natural human desire was being compounded by all of this self doubt, judgement and questioning; it's just the ego, it's neediness, any relationship coming out of that is not real and destructive etc. etc. blah blah. This is the mind 'I' have to contend with so I am having to learn to be more light hearted about the whole thing of this life.
Went to another couple of Satsangs. One is on going twice weekly in the afternoons; that one I like very much. It is with a Swiss guy called Werner who seems to have been living in India for many years. He gives a very lively and playful expression to it all and thankfully doesn't deny that some persistant limiting ego-conditions do have a momentary relative reality and may need to be given some attention to release them rather than denying them and pushing them away. He says keep coming back to be present; either directly if one can to awareness of Being or through some anchor such as awareness of the natural breath. By keeping on coming back when awareness is lost then the tendency to Beingness (freedom from tyranny of mind) is strenghtened. Some patterns of mind may be persistant in seeming to pull us out and some of these may need some investigation somehow to release them.
The other 'guru' I went to see has an ashram a few hours away and seems to give evening talks here periodically. I didn't really like it at all. He was saying many of the 'right' kind of things but I was wary of him and couldn't help feeling that something wasn't quite right. The next day I overheard some girls telling another that they sometimes secretly put psychadellic drugs in the food there. Presumably if someone has some kind of 'cosmic' drug experience then they may attribute it to the power of the guru and hence perhaps falling into the trap. I don't know if any of that is true but certainly if I were a false guru looking to drum up some more wealthy western devotees then I would certainly think of coming to a place like this.
Had to do my wall climbing adventure again last night as I went to a musical fund raising event for a local dog hospice (100's of strays everywhere). Keeping in theme my ascent and descent were complicated by the fact that Jackie the guard dog was on duty. Fortunately I was already friends with the dog and after some reassuring pats and sniffs through the gate I was able to very carefully get inside the compound without triggering off a cachaphoney of barking and mauling. And yes, had I been wearing a kilt or an Indian dhoti then I would have to had been extra cautious about getting my dangly bits caught on the broken glass, although had something been severed I'm sure Jackie the dog would have made an appreciative quick tasty snack of it.
The moment was upon me and I took this question in front of Mr. Mooji after sitting there mentally cursing the whole thing for some days. After a bit of an exchange it became clear to me that all of this paralysis of analysis stuff I was experiencing had it's roots in a fear of making mistakes and an expectation of a state of Being where everything flows naturally and rightly. There may be such a way but in between times one has to function somehow. Mr. Mooji playfully dealt with me and suggested that I give myself full permission to make mistakes. Make as many as I can. It's ok to be human and there's nothing wrong in the joys and sorrows of it all.
I lightened up a bit after that. It doesn't seem to help to get too serious about all of this stuff and maybe, just maybe I can tend somewhat in that direction sometimes. Afterall Beingness is supposed to be a state of freedom; not a heavy burden.
I had been feeling a bit isolated as this is a kind of inward meditational town and where I am living has a guideline of 'noble silence' so not much scope for socialising there. Compound this with the fact that I am not necesarily always the most naturally gregarious of people then it is a bit of a challenge sometimes for me to make new connections. I'm not talking about superficial social exchanges, but really meeting someone in a way which is nourishing; without social masks or protection mechanisms.
What most people would consider as a natural human desire was being compounded by all of this self doubt, judgement and questioning; it's just the ego, it's neediness, any relationship coming out of that is not real and destructive etc. etc. blah blah. This is the mind 'I' have to contend with so I am having to learn to be more light hearted about the whole thing of this life.
Went to another couple of Satsangs. One is on going twice weekly in the afternoons; that one I like very much. It is with a Swiss guy called Werner who seems to have been living in India for many years. He gives a very lively and playful expression to it all and thankfully doesn't deny that some persistant limiting ego-conditions do have a momentary relative reality and may need to be given some attention to release them rather than denying them and pushing them away. He says keep coming back to be present; either directly if one can to awareness of Being or through some anchor such as awareness of the natural breath. By keeping on coming back when awareness is lost then the tendency to Beingness (freedom from tyranny of mind) is strenghtened. Some patterns of mind may be persistant in seeming to pull us out and some of these may need some investigation somehow to release them.
The other 'guru' I went to see has an ashram a few hours away and seems to give evening talks here periodically. I didn't really like it at all. He was saying many of the 'right' kind of things but I was wary of him and couldn't help feeling that something wasn't quite right. The next day I overheard some girls telling another that they sometimes secretly put psychadellic drugs in the food there. Presumably if someone has some kind of 'cosmic' drug experience then they may attribute it to the power of the guru and hence perhaps falling into the trap. I don't know if any of that is true but certainly if I were a false guru looking to drum up some more wealthy western devotees then I would certainly think of coming to a place like this.
Had to do my wall climbing adventure again last night as I went to a musical fund raising event for a local dog hospice (100's of strays everywhere). Keeping in theme my ascent and descent were complicated by the fact that Jackie the guard dog was on duty. Fortunately I was already friends with the dog and after some reassuring pats and sniffs through the gate I was able to very carefully get inside the compound without triggering off a cachaphoney of barking and mauling. And yes, had I been wearing a kilt or an Indian dhoti then I would have to had been extra cautious about getting my dangly bits caught on the broken glass, although had something been severed I'm sure Jackie the dog would have made an appreciative quick tasty snack of it.
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