doldrums and fresh winds

It seems like a long time since I last wrote. I went through a bit of a downspell there where there was much frustration, boredom, restlessness and doubt. All of this seeming denial of any reality to the ego-self seemed all a bit oppressive and repressive to me. Doesn't the individual personality need to go through certain experiences, expression and growth before the time comes to Realise True Nature as Universal Self? Isn't there a danger of thwarting this growth if one is constantly questioning the reality of ones own existence?

The moment was upon me and I took this question in front of Mr. Mooji after sitting there mentally cursing the whole thing for some days. After a bit of an exchange it became clear to me that all of this paralysis of analysis stuff I was experiencing had it's roots in a fear of making mistakes and an expectation of a state of Being where everything flows naturally and rightly. There may be such a way but in between times one has to function somehow. Mr. Mooji playfully dealt with me and suggested that I give myself full permission to make mistakes. Make as many as I can. It's ok to be human and there's nothing wrong in the joys and sorrows of it all.

I lightened up a bit after that. It doesn't seem to help to get too serious about all of this stuff and maybe, just maybe I can tend somewhat in that direction sometimes. Afterall Beingness is supposed to be a state of freedom; not a heavy burden.

I had been feeling a bit isolated as this is a kind of inward meditational town and where I am living has a guideline of 'noble silence' so not much scope for socialising there. Compound this with the fact that I am not necesarily always the most naturally gregarious of people then it is a bit of a challenge sometimes for me to make new connections. I'm not talking about superficial social exchanges, but really meeting someone in a way which is nourishing; without social masks or protection mechanisms.

What most people would consider as a natural human desire was being compounded by all of this self doubt, judgement and questioning; it's just the ego, it's neediness, any relationship coming out of that is not real and destructive etc. etc. blah blah. This is the mind 'I' have to contend with so I am having to learn to be more light hearted about the whole thing of this life.

Went to another couple of Satsangs. One is on going twice weekly in the afternoons; that one I like very much. It is with a Swiss guy called Werner who seems to have been living in India for many years. He gives a very lively and playful expression to it all and thankfully doesn't deny that some persistant limiting ego-conditions do have a momentary relative reality and may need to be given some attention to release them rather than denying them and pushing them away. He says keep coming back to be present; either directly if one can to awareness of Being or through some anchor such as awareness of the natural breath. By keeping on coming back when awareness is lost then the tendency to Beingness (freedom from tyranny of mind) is strenghtened. Some patterns of mind may be persistant in seeming to pull us out and some of these may need some investigation somehow to release them.

The other 'guru' I went to see has an ashram a few hours away and seems to give evening talks here periodically. I didn't really like it at all. He was saying many of the 'right' kind of things but I was wary of him and couldn't help feeling that something wasn't quite right. The next day I overheard some girls telling another that they sometimes secretly put psychadellic drugs in the food there. Presumably if someone has some kind of 'cosmic' drug experience then they may attribute it to the power of the guru and hence perhaps falling into the trap. I don't know if any of that is true but certainly if I were a false guru looking to drum up some more wealthy western devotees then I would certainly think of coming to a place like this.

Had to do my wall climbing adventure again last night as I went to a musical fund raising event for a local dog hospice (100's of strays everywhere). Keeping in theme my ascent and descent were complicated by the fact that Jackie the guard dog was on duty. Fortunately I was already friends with the dog and after some reassuring pats and sniffs through the gate I was able to very carefully get inside the compound without triggering off a cachaphoney of barking and mauling. And yes, had I been wearing a kilt or an Indian dhoti then I would have to had been extra cautious about getting my dangly bits caught on the broken glass, although had something been severed I'm sure Jackie the dog would have made an appreciative quick tasty snack of it.