Be As You Are

As I understand it, the higher teaching of self-enquiry is that there is no need to do anything inorder to Be; You already Are. There never was any bondage so there is no question of any liberation; the Self is already realised. The screen of the Self is always present and is not effected by any movie playing on it. Fire cannot burn it, water cannot wet it and wind cannot blow it away. Simply recognising this is enough. However the Self tends to get identified with the movie giving rise to the mental fiction of 'I'. Simply withdrawing attention from thoughts, and back onto Self is enough. If identification is stronger then apprehending the aham-vritti is recommended. The aham-vritti is the feeling or sense of 'I' at the root of the mind. By isolating the aham-vritti with the attention the mental process is arrested and what remains is simply You. The experience may be intermittent at first but with repeated practice it becomes easier to reach and maintain. Gradually the quality of Conscious Being overtakes that of doing and is maintained even in the midst of activity. There is no problem in thoughts; only in identification and attachment. The Self already is; mind only appears to veil it. All efforts are simply to dispell ignorance and what remains is You. 'Be As You Are' is the title of the excellent compendium on the teachings of Sri Ramana Maharshi as edited by David Godman. Read a review of 'Be As You Are' here

In Conclusion...

When caught up in the mind ask 'who is?'
naturally 'I am'
who or what is this 'I'?

before 'I am this' or 'I am that' or any other concept or identification
see that 'I' indicates a wordless sense of self
a silent feeling of oneself 'I,...I,...I,'

a sense of self existence, that 'I am'


From 'I Am That' Talks with Nisargadatta Mahraj
(excerpted from the appendix and foreword)

The Nisarga Yoga, the ‘natural’ Yoga of Maharaj, is disconcertingly simple -- the mind, which is all-becoming, must recognise and penetrate its own being, not as being this or that, here or there, then or now, but just as timeless being.

To delve into the sense of ‘I’ -- so real and vital -- in order to reach its source is the core of Nisarga Yoga. Not being continuous, the sense of ‘I’ must have a source from which it flows and to which it returns. This timeless source of conscious being is what Maharaj calls the self-nature, self-being, swarupa.

This dwelling on the sense ‘I am’ is the simple, easy and natural Yoga, the Nisarga Yoga. There is no secrecy in it and no dependence; no preparation is required and no initiation. Whoever is puzzled by his very existence as a conscious being and earnestly wants to find his own source, can grasp the ever-present sense of ‘I am’ and dwell on it assiduously and patiently, till the clouds obscuring the mind dissolve and the heart of being is seen in all its glory.

Return again and again to ‘I am’ until it is your only abode, outside of which nothing exists; until the ego as a limitation of ‘I am’, has disappeared. It is then that the highest realisation will just happen effortlessly.

Musings on the Road to Nowhere

My feeling is that as long as I am alive then I need a healthy sense of ‘I’. Much of what I have spoken of in this blog about my learnings and experiences in India relates to dissolving and transcending the sense of ‘I’, or ego identification as a seemingly separate, autonomous individual, but as written in the last posting, I now feel that the situation is somewhat more of a balance between the sense of being an individual and that of simply Being.

In the fullness of time, if even that sense of individuality is permanently consumed in some ascension to a higher experience of reality then so be it. I don’t even know if that is possible but the testimony of some of the greats, like Ramana Maharishi, seems to indicate that something like that is indeed the case. However, unless we are established in the same experience, then we can only have a very limited idea of what Ramana’s experience of reality actually was based upon our own limited frame of reference.

Even Ramana said that the sense of ‘I’ is still there as long as the body persists but that in the case of a Gnani (a liberated one) then it is like the shell of a burned rope, it looks the same but it no longer has any power to bind. Certainly, in the practical operation of the ashram Ramana demonstrated that he had a clear sense of right and wrong with many reports of his stepping in and reprimanding the management staff when he became aware of any favoritism or unjust policy being practiced. Not in any sense of his assuming some dogmatic or moralistic positionality but in the sense of a natural impeccability in upholding the equality and inter-relatedness of all life.

This question of behaviour in relation to Liberation is an interesting one. Some take the view that Liberation means that ones behaviour should be beyond reproach (in other words a transformation or divinisation of the human personality) while others take the view that Liberation simply means that we are no longer attached to and identified with the personality (which may continue to partake in all kinds of behaviour which some would judge as being decidedly ‘unspiritual’).

As with many things, perhaps the truth of the matter is not easily grasped by the rational mind and we should be wary of indulging in any tendency towards sanctimony or arrogance in this regard, prematurely thinking that we know when all we may have is a cherished or convenient opinion rather than any actual real Knowledge, or alternatively falling prey to a state of confusion.

There certainly seem to have been many reported cases, as in Zen and Tibetan Buddhism, where the sometimes bizarre and even violent behaviour of a Master has appeared to result in the sudden enlightenment of a disciple. Equally there are many cases where one considered as such has appeared to abuse their position usually in some controversy involving sex, money, intoxicants and power. Indeed one could say that sex, money and power are the greatest intoxicants of them all.

So, bringing it back to the common experience, I know for myself that I seem to be living this life and making choices based upon my current level of understanding, realised potentials and limitations (unrealised potentials and natural boundaries). I also know that as my view of the world becomes more fluid, my understanding of life grows and my shortcomings are transformed into strengths (e.g. stubborn-ness into tenacity, anxiety into alertness) then I appear to be able to make better choices and to live a more satisfying and adventurous life.

So there seems to be a process of participative and even proactive evolution taking place based upon ones life experiences and how one consciously responds to them (the alternative being to remain entrenched in unconscious reactivity and thereby compounding ones ignorance). This process of evolution and living of life seems to necessitate an ‘I’ who experiences and interacts with life and at the same time the process of evolution seems to be accelerated by the ability to observe oneself objectively.

To be able to observe oneself in the sense of self-reflection upon ones thoughts, emotions, feelings and actions, but also in the sense of simply Being. That is in having an experiential and stable sense of the ground of Being, unconditioned by any identification with being this or that; simply to Be; the fundamental and underlying sense of existing which is inherently conscious and peaceful.

It would appear that these two aspects are complimentary. That the more we come to know, accept, transform and liberate ourselves as an individual then the more we naturally come to rest in the ground of Being. Simultaneously, the more we cultivate the natural resting in, and as, the ground of Being then the more our existence and growth as an individual seems to go more smoothly. If we appear to tip too far to one side, neglecting the other, then we may be temporarily out of balance with our self because surely if we are all inseparable units of the one life then there can be no separation or conflict between who we truely are at our core and how we express ourselves in life.

Then it becomes a case of gradual refinement and sudden transformations until one day, sometime in the Now, we become at-one with ourselves and come to realise that in reaching the supposed goal on the path to nowhere, it was indeed the journey which was and continues to be most significant.

"We must not cease from exploration and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we began and to know the place as if for the first time."

T.S. Elliot

On Being and Becoming

While I was in India I was largely exposed to teachings and teachers which propound that the individual is not real and neither are others or the world at large. All of these are considered to be an illusionary appearance in Consciousness which alone is the sole reality.

That human suffering is born of the mistaken notion that 'I' exist and that the solution to suffering is to Realize that in fact 'I' do not exist, rather only Being or Pure Awareness exists, that that is our true nature and all else is merely an inconsequential movie projection which will run its own predetermined course.

While I have certainly had several experiences during my spiritual career of seemingly going beyond the problematic functioning of the 'normal' mind, try as I may I have never been able to make this a permanent solution and have always had to contend with a rather unpleasant and bumpy return to 'reality'.

That is, the seeming reality of a mind which, at least to me, seemed more prone to living in fear and depression than most. This phenomenon at least partly explains my strong and long standing pull towards meditation as a possible solution or escape from such a situation. That meditation is a form of escapism is an accustation that I have long resisted, however in so far as it is aimed at escaping the confines of a painful mind to an apparently higher and more pleasant reality then it is true.

So during my long anticipated journey to India I naturally tried my best to meditate or 'Be' my way to a hoped for Nirvana. A final dissolution of the painful ego-mind and a new birth as a ................. I don't know what, but certainly one who had gone beyond and perhaps might be able to share that with others.

While it is true that in India I had many insights, experiences and periods of inner peacefulness; and while it is also true that over the years the contrast between my highs and my lows seem to be leveling out; never-the-less, upon my return to Australia six months ago I was faced with a familiar and urgent crisis.

That is the crisis of daily living. Of having to somehow find my place and my way in the conventional, practical world which has always seemed to be a very difficult challenge for me.

Where will I live? What will I do? What is my place in society? These are the issues which engendered in me a great deal of fear, confusion and hopelessness and which, so often in my life, have lead into extended periods of collapse and inertia.

To be confronted with such intense insecurity is not much fun and generally I have sought ways to numb myself against the pain. In my case that wasn't so much alcohol and drugs but the seemingly more mundane avenues of mega-doses of T.V., food, sleep and isolation.

This time I got out of that phase relatively quickly and notwithstanding an unexpected and very painful swelling on the tailbone, by September had managed to set myself up with a stable place to live and regular work as a night-time taxi driver.

Now that my situation and state of mind are relatively balanced and healthy, then rather than merely enduring this period of earning money until I can get back to India, I am actually somewhat enjoying myself and continuing my spiritual journey even here in the midst of ordinary life.

So, to return to the title theme of 'Being and Becoming', while on the surface my journey to India was primarily about Being, behind that was also the motivation that if i could only 'do' Being well enough and intensly enough then I might finally transcend the mind and become something or someone. In my life in the West the social pressure is very much about first becoming someone or something in society and then one might 'achieve' Being happy.

Since in my earlier years I apparently squandered several good opportunities for education and career advancement in favour of pursuing my ideals of spiritual freedom, and since now, by my mid-thirties, I have apparently still not really made anything of my life in a worldly sense then I have often had to struggle with poor self-esteem and harsh self-criticism during times when my mind was caught up in the dream of conventional society.

Of course, the real issue was not whether or not I had a career but rather a deep and fundamental sense of crushing fear and inadequacy which was plaguing and tormenting me. I hasten to add that most people probably also suffer from some kind of inferiority/superiority complex which will manifest in different ways and to differing degrees of intensity.

So, taking all of that into consideration, one can perhaps see the problem. On the one hand I was trying to meditate my way to no-mind, no-person, I am the Self; and on the other repeatedly being confronted with a mind full of personal pain which just would not go away and stay away.

Couple that with a deep and abiding confusion and conflict as to whether I am actually a person or not and with no stable frame of reference, then you can see why burying myself in the T.V. and avoiding both myself and the world was an appealing option!

So what has changed? Well, essentially I have come to accept the apparent contradiction that I am similtaneously both a person and not a person. As Pure Being I am already whole and complete and as an individual I have a need to grow, evolve and to meet my challenges in life.

I am both the silent non-involved witness to the process of change and I am the process of change itself. Neither caught up in the endless cycle of only becoming, nor in the staticity of only Being. Stradling both, I can move forward whilst remaining ever the same.

By resolving the conflict between Being and becoming I can take responsibility for uplifting my state of mind and functionality in life whilst remaining anchored within the ever-present stillness and freedom of Being.

Advaita philosophy and quantum physics may tell us that the physical world has no substantial reality independent of our mental contruct of it, but rather than dismiss it as an illusion I accept that it does have a practical reality within the context of living life and I embrace the possibilities for growth and experience that it offers.

For me the immediately relevant illusion is in the mistaken perceptions that I make every day. All of the false interpretations, assumptions and expectations that I project onto all of my experiences and which have their basis in the subconscious conditioning of my mind.

It is this burden of psychological and emotional wounds that almost all of us unconsciously carry around with us which generate so much suffering in life by clouding all of our perceptions and conditioning all of our behaviours. The good news is that it seems to be within our power to overcome and transform these shortcomings allowing us to develop into our true and fullest potential.

This life and individual existence may very well be a dream of sorts in the grand scheme of things, but then why not embrace the challenge and enjoy an adventurous and wonderful dream rather than suffering a nightmare of torment, mediocrity, boredom and denial?

That's what I think anyway........................

This too shall pass

Well I've been back in the Western world now for about a week. One is struck by the lack of plastic rubbish and open putrid drains in the streets. Not to mention the livestock, throngs of people, incessant beeping of horns, exhaust fumes and all that. It's fairly cold here down in Australia in mid winter - not exactly arctic cold but it is getting below zero in some parts.

Another shock to the system was having to pay more for a 15minute shuttle train from Brisbane airport to the city than it cost to travel 1274km across India by sleeper train for 27hrs. The plus is the lack of bacteria and the opportunity to earn some bucks to finance the next expedition to the sub-continent. If I get my act together that is and notwithstanding being struck down by a killer dose of swine flu or becoming a refugee of the 'global financial crisis'.

So India. She's a beauty alright; apart from all of the shitty stuff of course. In my time there I managed to come into contact with over a dozen Saints, Sages, Swamis and Satsang givers, most of whom I would rate quite highly in the Consciousness stakes (in so far as I can tell). I also got mauled by a dog, had two fairly serious bouts of gastro-intestinal illness and nearly became an international fund raiser for a mother-daughter con-team.

Particularly during the month of March I went through an intensive period of introspection and blog publishing which seemed to revolve around a cycle of experience, conceptualization and doubt. It’s not in every place where one could have such an opportunity.

My conclusion based upon said introspections is that the much talked about ‘I AM’ is the simple and direct sense of existing common to us all but mostly overlooked. By persistently and consistently redirecting ones attention away from the egoic ‘I’ (thoughts/feelings/intentions/identifications) back to the underlying pure sense of conscious-being and abiding as that, then presumably/reportedly/reputedly, sooner or later, some thresh-hold is breached and finally some kind of permanent shift occurs which is generally referred to as ‘Self-Realization’.

I have yet to verify that last contention for 'my-so-called-self' and if anyone else gets there before me please let me know how it is over there, on-the-other-side, home and dry.

To refine that somewhat, and to pose an answer to a question which was certainly going around in my head, then this basic sense of existing (‘I AM’) seems to be the unadulterated reflection of the unmanifest pure transcendental consciousness in the individual being before the ego gets it grubby little hands on it and covers up our inherently free and peaceful nature with all kinds of crap and shit! Still, that seems to be the game and if the pundits like Ramesh Balsekar are to be believed then it’s all part of the set-up by the mysterious Source.

Another puzzle I encountered along the way was that at one point I was confused in this quest if I should be focusing more upon the expanded sense of awareness I associated with the head-less space or upon the grounded sense of being I associated more with embodiment. That may be a valid question as far as meditation (upon an object) is concerned but what I realize is that as far as self-inquiry (upon the subject) is concerned, then the real bone of contention is who is the one who thinks they are choosing anything?

I don’t know about this Self-Realization malarkey but it seems to involve something about being here-now in conscious-presence with acceptance of reality as it is. Well it sounds alright to me and in the absence of a better plan I guess I’ll keep plugging away at it in my own sporadic way and perhaps one day the veils will drop. Inner peace is perhaps a better term in that it doesn’t seem to carry so much baggage of expectation and projection of what such a way of being would be like.

Anyway, good luck to you all in your own journey of inner peace and thanks for keeping me company along the way. It may be that I get back to India relatively soon for a second round and it may be that some more of my dribbles will appear on this blog from time to time. If so and if you’d like to keep up with the dribbles then you can register with this free website : http://www.watchthatpage.com/ to be notified of any new updates as well as through the usual subscription routes.

Again, thanks for sharing the ride with me which made it all the more worthwhile - that is, if you or I really exist in the first place………………

Bon voyage fellow travelers and Aum Shanti.


From 'I Am That' - Talks with Nisargadatta Maharaj :

"In spite of its primevality the sense of 'I am' is not the highest. It arises with the body (and) when Pure Awareness is attained, no need exists anymore, not even for 'I am', which is but a direction indicator towards the Absolute. What prevails (then) is that which cannot be described, that which is beyond words. It is this state which is most real, a state of pure potentiality, which is prior to everything. The 'I am' (is a) mere reflection of it. Return again and again to 'I am' until it is your only abode; until the ego as a limitation of 'I am' has disappeared. It is then that the Realisation will happen effortlessly."

Brain in a jar and the kaleidoscopic universe

It occurs to me that since our brain creates a picture of reality based upon electrical impulses from our senses then who is to say that we are not just brains in a jar in some laboratory floating in some nutritive solution and hooked up to electrodes feeding us impulses from some sophisticated computer?

I assume that I have a body but I only seem to experience it based on sensory input. Similarly, I assume that the people and places I perceive are also so real but are they anymore real then the people and places I experience in my dream? Certainly there seems to be more consistency and longevity to 'waking state reality' but does prove anything in itself?

Following on from the previous posting there is a sense of a personal me which assumes it is responsible for my life, my choices and my actions but is this anything more than some kind of perceptual illusion?

Maybe I am not a brain in a jar but maybe the brain itself is part of the illusion and the programmer is some kind of superconscious nonmaterial intelligence playing its own game.

The Sages tell us that all manifestation has its source in one Unified Consciousness which has created this drama and has individuated itself into billions of seemingly separate conscious entities. To experience itself evolving in awareness and eventually reaching the point of awakening from the hypnosis of separate individual doership to the reality of the one Unified Consciousness again.

Consciousness awakening to Consciousness, and for what? Maybe just why not? Just the play and experience of diversity and the joy of reunion once again, time after time and each time unique.

About the kaleidoscopic universe; if it's all just a play and perhaps there have been an infinity of universes coming into being (successive Big Bangs) and imploding back to the source again then perhaps 'In the Beginning', 'God' shakes up the energetic elements and parameters which govern the unfolding of each universe, rather like a kaleidoscope, and then each creation manifests its own unique beauty and symmetry according to multidimensional inter-related cycles within cycles. It may get ugly at times but presumably everything balances out in the end.

From the individual point of view? Might as well adjust to the uncertainty of life, realise that it's not personal and enjoy the ride; if one has the good fortune for that possibility.

Extension

I was supposed to be leaving tommorrow but was able to put my flight forward 3 days which will allow me the opportunity to attend Guru Purnima with Ramesh Balsekar. Guru Purnima, FTWDK, is the full moon day in July which is the traditional time for celebrating and expressing gratitude for our spiritual guides. Wayne Liqourman is also arriving from America for the occassion - he is a well reknowned Satsang giver of whom Ramesh has said is his spiritual son.

The last two days Ramesh has been too weak to give satsang so we have been watching DVD recordings which is also fine. Of course we wish him to have good health but we've all got to go at some time and when the time comes for him I am sure he will go with full acceptance and gratitude for the remarkable and blessed life he has had. For this reason, being here at Guru Purnima with him is also very special as the general expectation among his close circle is that it may very well be his last.

I haven't spoken with him directly again since the first day but the teaching he shares is perculating through. There are many external factors in life over which I have little or no control; I can only repond to them in the best way I see fit and am able to in the moment. My choices in life are governed by my genetics, up-to-date conditioning, feelings etc. so the question is, is it really possible that I can choose any differently than I do in any given situation?

Did I choose my inherent tendencies, did I choose my reasoning and feeling capacities, did I choose what formative experiences and influences I would be exposed to in life? And if I did have any influence over these was that also not guided by the same such pre-exisiting factors? How much choice do I really have? Can I choose my next thought or emotion? Can I choose what life will bring to me in the next moment or is it all just happening?

Perhaps I cannot choose what is arising in each moment but I can choose how I respond to them? If so, is that apparent choosing not also a function of the level of my awareness and development combined with my conditioning and genetic predispositions? Can I not then change my conditioning? Conditioning is changing all of the time according to new inputs and internal evolution but again, what governs which inputs I am exposed to and my inclinations towards change?

When one starts investigating and analysing in this way then it certainly causes one to question the sense of personal 'doership' (I am doing; I am choosing) which we all tenaciously hang onto as an implicit unconscious assumption.

So many Sages and Wisdom Traditions agree that the sense of personal doership is the illusion and the cause of suffering. Buddha says 'Events happen, deeds are done, but there is no individual doer thereof' - Radical indeed.

If all of that is true then who or what is it that I think and feel that I am? The Sages offer answers but ultimately guide us to make the investigation for ourselves and come to our own experiential conclusions.

What I know is that I didn't choose to have the tendencies and inclinations that I have and therefore rather than feeling pride or shame about them it makes more sense to observe the internal mechanism and in that awareness the causes of self-inflicted misery seem to tend towards dissolution.

Along with self-investigation and self-attention I have recently been resonating internally during meditation and in daily life with the resonant sound of Aum. This practice of Mantra Japa is a time tested and Sage authenticated means of helping to relax and quiet the wandering mind. When the practice becomes natural, spontaneous and effortless then one is said to be going the right way about it.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Penultimate

I'm in rainy Mumbai now after catching a cheap flight from Chennai. The decision came to abort my Nepal visa run idea for now and to return to Australia with my original flight booking on July 6th. If I hadn't used that ticket within a couple of months it would have expired. My general plan is to recharge the bank account and the immune system and then get back here for a second tour of duty sometime in the not too distant future only with less luggage.

While here in Mumbai for a few days I will be attending Satsang with Ramesh Balsekar who is quite well known across the world in the 'Satsang/Consciousness' circles. His own teacher was Nisargadatta Maharaj whom I mentioned in a previous posting. That is an interesting pairing as Nisargadatta was an uneducated tobacconist and Ramesh was the President of the bank of India. Consciousness knows no social barriers.

Ramesh is quite old now (92 I think) and very frail with no teeth which makes him a little difficult to understand at times. Apparently his wife passed away only a week ago so it seems quite possible that he himself is not long for this world. This morning I had a dialogue with him going into how I still get caught up in self-judgement at times and later on we got down to the fundamental question of 'Who Am I?'

He is also teaching the concept that Consciousness (or God/Universal power and intelligence) is all there is and we are part of that. That individual free will is an illusion (although we should do what we feel is best in any situation) and all actions are the unfolding of God's will. Therefore all so called good and bad are the expression of a Divine Play which is already predestined.

That may be the case but I argued the point with him that for me these are beliefs and I do not know the reality of the situation. There seems to be order and intelligence operating behind the scenes but beyond that I cannot say and prefer to leave such questions in the mystery basket.
It was at that point we got down to the fundamental of 'Who Am I?' and that ultimately stillness is the way, beyond the conceptual mind, with which I have no argument.

My visit to Mother Meera was good although undramatic. The stillness and silence of her presence are palpable and infectious. Also in between arriving there and leaving I dissappeared for a few days into TV land in my hotel room which was my first major exposure to the idiot box since I arrived in India. At least I caught some of my favourite type of documentaries on the Discovery and Nat Geo channels which are about surviving in the wild and on new eco-technologies.

Well, that's it for now. Next time I post will probably be a retrospective once I'm back in Australia. Hari Aum Tat Sat

Off the map

Hello. Been 3 weeks or something. The main reason for my silence has been that I've been moving in the Keralan countryside where email cafes, english speakers and whiteman are scarce on the ground. I left Devamruta Swami with Indian friend Ajit and visited with Ajits family for some time who were very hospitable and fed me many mangoes and other copious food stuffs, so at a guess I would say I filled up the body reserve which had become somewhat depleted after the bouts of illness.

We visited some ashrams (like the places of Nityananda and Papa Ramdas) and met some pretty cool people including Swami Sunil, Swami Gyanistananda and another Silent Swami whom I don't know his name but had the opportunity to communicate with through pen and paper. That was a good one and he advised me to come back to that place and do 48 days of silent solitary meditation at the temple of Goddess Mookambika - not sure of the story but somehow she is connected with Adi Shankara mentioned in last posts. Normally I don't go much for the temple idol scene but there was definitely some mysterious powerful energy there which drew ones mind inwards.

Now I am by myself in Bangalore transiting on my way to meet Mother Meera in Andrah Pradesh who is an Indian lady saint whom many also consider to be an embodiment of the Divine Mother. She has quite a different style from Hugging Ma and tends to be more Silent and Still. I met her in Germany 10 or 12 years ago and in a gentle and gradual way she seemed to have quite a powerful influence on me. Somehow and somewhat, my views and presumptions were opened up and broadened out in a subtle way.

Currently I am meeting many people who are living a life largely free of any external roots or securities. At once it is attractive and challenging. 'I', the apparent controller of 'my' ship, doesn't give up clinging and choosing and knowing easily.

So I now have to get some details off the net and then find my bus.
Until the nest time, Hari Aum