Universal Absolute Being

"This impersonal absolute Being, or God, as the essential constituent of creation, is pervading all fields of existence. It is omnipresent, It is of transcendental nature beyond everything of relative existence. It is beyond belief, thought, faith, dogma and ritual.It lies beyond the field of understanding, beyond mind and intellect. Being transcendental, it cannot be comprehended by thought; It is beyond contemplation and intellectual discrimintaion and decisions. It is the state of Being. The Being of all is the omnipresent, impersonal God.

It is beyond knowing; It is knowingness itself. Because it is the Being of all, to realise It means just to be what one is. Being is realisation of the impersonal, omnipresent God. For anyone to be it is only necessary to be. No path to one's own Being could be thought to exist, no path of realisation of the impersonal God, omnipresent Being, could be shown, because the very conception of "path" takes one's self out of one's own Being. The very idea of a path introduces the conception of something far away, whereas Being is the essential oneself. A path means a link between two points, but, in omnipresent cosmic Being, there cannot exist two different points or states. Omnipresent means "present everywhere"; It pervades everything, and, therefore, there is absolutely no question of a path. It is just a question of Being, and, even when one is established in the different states of manifested creation, one is established in the state of Being, but in a different form. So Being cannot be different from what one already is, and this leads us to conclude that the question of a way for the realisation of the Absolute just does not arise.

Therefore, the realisation of the omnipresent almighty impersonal God is the natural state of one's Being. If a way to realise the impersonal omnipresent could be expressed, it could only be said to be a way of coming out of what one is not. To be is of an impersonal nature, so, in order to be one's Self, it is only necessary to come out of the personal nature, come out of the field of doing and thinking, and be established in the field of Being. Being is the realisation of the impersonal."

Pg 270 Science of Being and Art of Living, Maharishi Mahesh Yogi 

Francis Lucille – Awakening to Reality

Awakening is the experience of consciousness seeing itself, in the absence of objects, in its total freedom and independence, in its autonomy. It is a revelation of absolute happiness, of absolute splendor, of absolute love and intelligence. That would be awakening or enlightenment. As a result of this transforming event a gradual elimination of the residuals of ignorance takes place. That could be called the self-realisation process and ends up in the experience of our natural state which is the absence of any illusion as to what we are, either at the level of thought, of concepts, or at the level of bodily sensations, feelings or sense perceptions.

Duality is the belief in the existence of more than one reality. Non-duality could be expressed by the simple formula ‘there is only one reality’. Another word I think deserves to be defined is the word consciousness, or awareness. In my vocabulary I use both as synonyms. Consciousness is that, whatever that is, that is hearing these words right now.

We are absolutely certain that these words are not lost, there is a receiving end, there is some entity in this moment which hears and understands these words, they are not lost in some nothingness, some oblivion. They are being heard, being perceived, and consciousness is precisely that, whatever it is [that perceives].

We usually believe it to be, if you come from the materialist vantage point, the physical body that does the perceiving. If we come from the idealist vantage point we believe it to be the mind. In other words we identify this consciousness in most cases with some kind of an object which is limited, the limited human body or mind. Now, my contention is that there is no evidence of such limitation, that there is no experiential evidence that there is such a limitation of consciousness or in consciousness. We believe that there is plenty of evidence that consciousness is limited, we believe there is a full body of evidence, but we believe that only for as long as we don’t try to take this evidence into consideration, to look at it. As we try to look at we discover there is none.

All questions boil down to one single question ‘Who or what am I?’ If we look at our human experience, everything we know we know it either as a thought, or as a sensation in the body, or as an external sense perception, something we hear, something we see. That’s the nature of everything we know at the phenomenal level. Now our experience is composed of two sides if you will, on the one side phenomena and on the other the consciousness that knows. That’s all there is to our experience, that which is known and that which knows.

Also, there is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, an element of reality to our experience. If I come to you and say that your experience is a complete illusion, it is non-existent, you would say now wait a minute, in my experience there is something rather than nothing. What I perceive may be a dream, however the fact that there is consciousness, that there is perceiving is beyond a shadow of a doubt at least to me, and that is sufficient for me to say that there is something rather than nothing.

There is an element of reality to experience, so where does this element of reality lie? Where is it to be found? Certainly not on the perceived side of things, because, that which is perceived always changes, is never the same. Thoughts, perceptions, sensations, they come and they go. Since they are not lasting, they are impermanent, reality cannot be found there.

The only thing that is permanent in our experience is the consciousness. Therefore the reality of our experience, the centrality of our experience, the core of our experience is the consciousness. It is that which we call ‘I’ or the Self. So ‘I’ or the Self is the reality of our experience.

See for yourself, on the one hand without a shadow of a doubt there is an element of reality to your experience, and this reality cannot belong to that which is perceived, because after all what you are perceiving could be a dream in this moment. When we are in the midst of a dream we are not aware that we are dreaming, the implication being that right now we could be in some kind of a dream. I am not saying a night dream, but some kind of a dream. However that which is common to the dream and all the states is consciousness. Therefore since everything we perceive could be an illusion the only place where reality could be found is in the consciousness. Since we are so certain that there is an element of reality to our experience then that reality could only be found in and as the consciousness which perceives. I think I rest my case.

Culled from the Francis Lucille non-duality interview on conscious.tv (between the 4^th and 16^th minute)

The Life and Teachings of Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

I found an excellent and comprehensive article on Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj available here: http://www.enlightened-spirituality.org/Nisargadatta_Maharaj.html 

The multidimensional article is written by Timothy Conway who is the author the well received book 'Women of Power and Grace: Nine Astonishing, Inspiring Luminaries of Our Time'.
   
"My Guru told me: “...Go back to that state of pure being, where the ‘I am’ is still in its purity before it got contaminated with ‘I am this’ or ‘I am that.’ Your burden is of false self-identifications—abandon them all.” My guru told me, “Trust me, I tell you: you are Divine. Take it as the absolute truth. Your joy is divine, your suffering is divine too. All comes from God. Remember it always. You are God, your will alone is done.” I did believe him and soon realized how wonderfully true and accurate were his words. I did not condition my mind by thinking, “I am God, I am wonderful, I am beyond.” I simply followed his instruction, which was to focus the mind on pure being, “I am,” and stay in it. I used to sit for hours together, with nothing but the “I am” in my mind and soon the peace and joy and deep all-embracing love became my normal state. In it all disappeared—myself, my guru, the life I lived, the world around me. Only peace remained, and unfathomable silence. (I Am That, Dialogue 51, April 16, 1971)"

"The Maharaj always taught that one must stand prior to all identifications with "I am this" or "I am that" and dwell in the basic "I am" sense until the Divine Grace of one's Real Nature awakens one to the Absolute Awareness beyond even the "I am"-sense." 

Dr. Jean Klein and Truth

"My master always pointed out to me during our life together that all perceptions need an Ultimate Perceiver. The ultimate perceiver can never be the object of perception. Once false identification with the body is understood, we are led to the question 'Who am I?'--and the one who asks is himself the vivid answer. The searcher is himself that which is sought." (Neither This Nor That I Am, vi) 

Then one morning, "between deep sleep and awakening, there was a sudden vanishing of all the residues of 'my persons', each having believed themselves hitherto to be a doer, a sufferer, an enjoyer. All this vanished completely, and I was seized in full consciousness by an all-penetrating light, without inside or outside. This was the awakening in Reality...... In this non-state there was a freedom, full and objectless joy." (ibid., vii)

Like all teachings that hold that our real nature is truth, what Dr. Klein says is essentially simple:

"You are primal awareness. Life is only primal awarenss. Between two thoughts or two perceptions you are. You know moments in your life when a thought completely disappears into silence, but still you are." (The Ease of Being, 13)

This primal awareness is that which underlies all other kinds of awareness.

"At first you may experience silent awareness only after the dissolution of perception, but later you will be in the silence in both the presence and absence of objects." (ibid., 15)

Dr. Klein also calls this ultimate subject, the witness (ibid., 17) and the Self (ibid., 63). And though it may sound very removed from ordinary life, in fact it is the opposite because, no longer caught up in objects and therefore in desire and fear, it is open and free. So its true nature is love.

"If you let your attention go to your ear, you'll feel that it is constantly grasping. It is the same with the eye, the mind and all your organs. Let the grasping go and you will find your whole body is spontaneously an organ of sensitivity. The ear is merely a channel for this global sensation. It is not an end in itself. What is heard is also felt, seen, smelled and touched. Your five senses, intelligence and imagination are freed and come into play. You feel it is being completely expanded in space, without centre or border. The ego, which is a contraction, can find no hold in this presence, and anxiety, like and dislike dissolve." (Who Am I?, 72)

Self-enquiry

Excerpted from the David Godman interview on Ramana Maharishi linked in the previous posting (Pg4).

"JD: With regard to the actual technique, would you say that it is to be aware, from moment to moment, what is going on in the mind?

DG: No, it's nothing to do with being aware of the contents of the mind. It's a very specific method that aims to find out where the individual sense of 'I' arises. Self-enquiry is an active investigation, not a passive witnessing.

For example, you may be thinking about what you had for breakfast, or you may be looking at a tree in the garden. In self-enquiry, you don't simply maintain an awareness of these thoughts, you put your attention on the thinker who has the thought, the perceiver who has the perception. There is an 'I' who thinks, an 'I' who perceives, and this 'I' is also a thought. Bhagavan's advice was to focus on this inner sense of 'I' in order to find out what it really is. In self-enquiry you are trying to find out where this 'I' feeling arises, to go back to that place and stay there. It is not simply watching, it's a kind of active scrutiny in which one is trying to find out how the sense of being an individual person comes into being.

You can investigate the nature of this 'I' by formally asking yourself, 'Who am I?' or 'Where does this ''I'' come from?' Alternatively, you can try to maintain a continuous awareness of this inner feeling of 'I'. Either approach would count as self-enquiry. You should not suggest answers to the question, such as 'I am consciousness' because any answer you give yourself is conceptual rather than experiential. The only correct answer is a direct experience of the Self."

"It needs practice and commitment. You have to keep at it and not give up. The practice slowly changes the habits of the mind. By doing this practice regularly and continuously, you remove your focus from superficial streams of thoughts and relocate it at the place where thought itself begins to manifest. In that latter place you begin to experience the peace and stillness of the Self, and that gives you the incentive to continue."

A transcript of the introduction and the three chapters on self-inquiry from David Godmans book 'Be As You Are' is available here: http://bhagavan-ramana.org/ramanateaching.html

'Even if one thinks constantly 'I' 'I', one will be led to that place.'
from 'Who Am I?' the earliest record of Ramana Maharshi's teaching.

It will be noted that the inward repetition of 'I' can be an effective support to help keep the attention turned inwards towards the inner feeling of 'I', the inner feeling of oneself.

The word itself is not the focus, but rather that which the word signifies.

The Life and Teachings of Sri Ramana Maharishi

A good introduction is available here: http://davidgodman.org/rteach/jd1.shtml

Be As You Are

As I understand it, the higher teaching of self-enquiry is that there is no need to do anything inorder to Be; You already Are. There never was any bondage so there is no question of any liberation; the Self is already realised. The screen of the Self is always present and is not effected by any movie playing on it. Fire cannot burn it, water cannot wet it and wind cannot blow it away. Simply recognising this is enough. However the Self tends to get identified with the movie giving rise to the mental fiction of 'I'. Simply withdrawing attention from thoughts, and back onto Self is enough. If identification is stronger then apprehending the aham-vritti is recommended. The aham-vritti is the feeling or sense of 'I' at the root of the mind. By isolating the aham-vritti with the attention the mental process is arrested and what remains is simply You. The experience may be intermittent at first but with repeated practice it becomes easier to reach and maintain. Gradually the quality of Conscious Being overtakes that of doing and is maintained even in the midst of activity. There is no problem in thoughts; only in identification and attachment. The Self already is; mind only appears to veil it. All efforts are simply to dispell ignorance and what remains is You. 'Be As You Are' is the title of the excellent compendium on the teachings of Sri Ramana Maharshi as edited by David Godman. Read a review of 'Be As You Are' here

In Conclusion...

When caught up in the mind ask 'who is?'
naturally 'I am'
who or what is this 'I'?

before 'I am this' or 'I am that' or any other concept or identification
see that 'I' indicates a wordless sense of self
a silent feeling of oneself 'I,...I,...I,'

a sense of self existence, that 'I am'


From 'I Am That' Talks with Nisargadatta Mahraj
(excerpted from the appendix and foreword)

The Nisarga Yoga, the ‘natural’ Yoga of Maharaj, is disconcertingly simple -- the mind, which is all-becoming, must recognise and penetrate its own being, not as being this or that, here or there, then or now, but just as timeless being.

To delve into the sense of ‘I’ -- so real and vital -- in order to reach its source is the core of Nisarga Yoga. Not being continuous, the sense of ‘I’ must have a source from which it flows and to which it returns. This timeless source of conscious being is what Maharaj calls the self-nature, self-being, swarupa.

This dwelling on the sense ‘I am’ is the simple, easy and natural Yoga, the Nisarga Yoga. There is no secrecy in it and no dependence; no preparation is required and no initiation. Whoever is puzzled by his very existence as a conscious being and earnestly wants to find his own source, can grasp the ever-present sense of ‘I am’ and dwell on it assiduously and patiently, till the clouds obscuring the mind dissolve and the heart of being is seen in all its glory.

Return again and again to ‘I am’ until it is your only abode, outside of which nothing exists; until the ego as a limitation of ‘I am’, has disappeared. It is then that the highest realisation will just happen effortlessly.

Musings on the Road to Nowhere

My feeling is that as long as I am alive then I need a healthy sense of ‘I’. Much of what I have spoken of in this blog about my learnings and experiences in India relates to dissolving and transcending the sense of ‘I’, or ego identification as a seemingly separate, autonomous individual, but as written in the last posting, I now feel that the situation is somewhat more of a balance between the sense of being an individual and that of simply Being.

In the fullness of time, if even that sense of individuality is permanently consumed in some ascension to a higher experience of reality then so be it. I don’t even know if that is possible but the testimony of some of the greats, like Ramana Maharishi, seems to indicate that something like that is indeed the case. However, unless we are established in the same experience, then we can only have a very limited idea of what Ramana’s experience of reality actually was based upon our own limited frame of reference.

Even Ramana said that the sense of ‘I’ is still there as long as the body persists but that in the case of a Gnani (a liberated one) then it is like the shell of a burned rope, it looks the same but it no longer has any power to bind. Certainly, in the practical operation of the ashram Ramana demonstrated that he had a clear sense of right and wrong with many reports of his stepping in and reprimanding the management staff when he became aware of any favoritism or unjust policy being practiced. Not in any sense of his assuming some dogmatic or moralistic positionality but in the sense of a natural impeccability in upholding the equality and inter-relatedness of all life.

This question of behaviour in relation to Liberation is an interesting one. Some take the view that Liberation means that ones behaviour should be beyond reproach (in other words a transformation or divinisation of the human personality) while others take the view that Liberation simply means that we are no longer attached to and identified with the personality (which may continue to partake in all kinds of behaviour which some would judge as being decidedly ‘unspiritual’).

As with many things, perhaps the truth of the matter is not easily grasped by the rational mind and we should be wary of indulging in any tendency towards sanctimony or arrogance in this regard, prematurely thinking that we know when all we may have is a cherished or convenient opinion rather than any actual real Knowledge, or alternatively falling prey to a state of confusion.

There certainly seem to have been many reported cases, as in Zen and Tibetan Buddhism, where the sometimes bizarre and even violent behaviour of a Master has appeared to result in the sudden enlightenment of a disciple. Equally there are many cases where one considered as such has appeared to abuse their position usually in some controversy involving sex, money, intoxicants and power. Indeed one could say that sex, money and power are the greatest intoxicants of them all.

So, bringing it back to the common experience, I know for myself that I seem to be living this life and making choices based upon my current level of understanding, realised potentials and limitations (unrealised potentials and natural boundaries). I also know that as my view of the world becomes more fluid, my understanding of life grows and my shortcomings are transformed into strengths (e.g. stubborn-ness into tenacity, anxiety into alertness) then I appear to be able to make better choices and to live a more satisfying and adventurous life.

So there seems to be a process of participative and even proactive evolution taking place based upon ones life experiences and how one consciously responds to them (the alternative being to remain entrenched in unconscious reactivity and thereby compounding ones ignorance). This process of evolution and living of life seems to necessitate an ‘I’ who experiences and interacts with life and at the same time the process of evolution seems to be accelerated by the ability to observe oneself objectively.

To be able to observe oneself in the sense of self-reflection upon ones thoughts, emotions, feelings and actions, but also in the sense of simply Being. That is in having an experiential and stable sense of the ground of Being, unconditioned by any identification with being this or that; simply to Be; the fundamental and underlying sense of existing which is inherently conscious and peaceful.

It would appear that these two aspects are complimentary. That the more we come to know, accept, transform and liberate ourselves as an individual then the more we naturally come to rest in the ground of Being. Simultaneously, the more we cultivate the natural resting in, and as, the ground of Being then the more our existence and growth as an individual seems to go more smoothly. If we appear to tip too far to one side, neglecting the other, then we may be temporarily out of balance with our self because surely if we are all inseparable units of the one life then there can be no separation or conflict between who we truely are at our core and how we express ourselves in life.

Then it becomes a case of gradual refinement and sudden transformations until one day, sometime in the Now, we become at-one with ourselves and come to realise that in reaching the supposed goal on the path to nowhere, it was indeed the journey which was and continues to be most significant.

"We must not cease from exploration and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we began and to know the place as if for the first time."

T.S. Elliot

On Being and Becoming

While I was in India I was largely exposed to teachings and teachers which propound that the individual is not real and neither are others or the world at large. All of these are considered to be an illusionary appearance in Consciousness which alone is the sole reality.

That human suffering is born of the mistaken notion that 'I' exist and that the solution to suffering is to Realize that in fact 'I' do not exist, rather only Being or Pure Awareness exists, that that is our true nature and all else is merely an inconsequential movie projection which will run its own predetermined course.

While I have certainly had several experiences during my spiritual career of seemingly going beyond the problematic functioning of the 'normal' mind, try as I may I have never been able to make this a permanent solution and have always had to contend with a rather unpleasant and bumpy return to 'reality'.

That is, the seeming reality of a mind which, at least to me, seemed more prone to living in fear and depression than most. This phenomenon at least partly explains my strong and long standing pull towards meditation as a possible solution or escape from such a situation. That meditation is a form of escapism is an accustation that I have long resisted, however in so far as it is aimed at escaping the confines of a painful mind to an apparently higher and more pleasant reality then it is true.

So during my long anticipated journey to India I naturally tried my best to meditate or 'Be' my way to a hoped for Nirvana. A final dissolution of the painful ego-mind and a new birth as a ................. I don't know what, but certainly one who had gone beyond and perhaps might be able to share that with others.

While it is true that in India I had many insights, experiences and periods of inner peacefulness; and while it is also true that over the years the contrast between my highs and my lows seem to be leveling out; never-the-less, upon my return to Australia six months ago I was faced with a familiar and urgent crisis.

That is the crisis of daily living. Of having to somehow find my place and my way in the conventional, practical world which has always seemed to be a very difficult challenge for me.

Where will I live? What will I do? What is my place in society? These are the issues which engendered in me a great deal of fear, confusion and hopelessness and which, so often in my life, have lead into extended periods of collapse and inertia.

To be confronted with such intense insecurity is not much fun and generally I have sought ways to numb myself against the pain. In my case that wasn't so much alcohol and drugs but the seemingly more mundane avenues of mega-doses of T.V., food, sleep and isolation.

This time I got out of that phase relatively quickly and notwithstanding an unexpected and very painful swelling on the tailbone, by September had managed to set myself up with a stable place to live and regular work as a night-time taxi driver.

Now that my situation and state of mind are relatively balanced and healthy, then rather than merely enduring this period of earning money until I can get back to India, I am actually somewhat enjoying myself and continuing my spiritual journey even here in the midst of ordinary life.

So, to return to the title theme of 'Being and Becoming', while on the surface my journey to India was primarily about Being, behind that was also the motivation that if i could only 'do' Being well enough and intensly enough then I might finally transcend the mind and become something or someone. In my life in the West the social pressure is very much about first becoming someone or something in society and then one might 'achieve' Being happy.

Since in my earlier years I apparently squandered several good opportunities for education and career advancement in favour of pursuing my ideals of spiritual freedom, and since now, by my mid-thirties, I have apparently still not really made anything of my life in a worldly sense then I have often had to struggle with poor self-esteem and harsh self-criticism during times when my mind was caught up in the dream of conventional society.

Of course, the real issue was not whether or not I had a career but rather a deep and fundamental sense of crushing fear and inadequacy which was plaguing and tormenting me. I hasten to add that most people probably also suffer from some kind of inferiority/superiority complex which will manifest in different ways and to differing degrees of intensity.

So, taking all of that into consideration, one can perhaps see the problem. On the one hand I was trying to meditate my way to no-mind, no-person, I am the Self; and on the other repeatedly being confronted with a mind full of personal pain which just would not go away and stay away.

Couple that with a deep and abiding confusion and conflict as to whether I am actually a person or not and with no stable frame of reference, then you can see why burying myself in the T.V. and avoiding both myself and the world was an appealing option!

So what has changed? Well, essentially I have come to accept the apparent contradiction that I am similtaneously both a person and not a person. As Pure Being I am already whole and complete and as an individual I have a need to grow, evolve and to meet my challenges in life.

I am both the silent non-involved witness to the process of change and I am the process of change itself. Neither caught up in the endless cycle of only becoming, nor in the staticity of only Being. Stradling both, I can move forward whilst remaining ever the same.

By resolving the conflict between Being and becoming I can take responsibility for uplifting my state of mind and functionality in life whilst remaining anchored within the ever-present stillness and freedom of Being.

Advaita philosophy and quantum physics may tell us that the physical world has no substantial reality independent of our mental contruct of it, but rather than dismiss it as an illusion I accept that it does have a practical reality within the context of living life and I embrace the possibilities for growth and experience that it offers.

For me the immediately relevant illusion is in the mistaken perceptions that I make every day. All of the false interpretations, assumptions and expectations that I project onto all of my experiences and which have their basis in the subconscious conditioning of my mind.

It is this burden of psychological and emotional wounds that almost all of us unconsciously carry around with us which generate so much suffering in life by clouding all of our perceptions and conditioning all of our behaviours. The good news is that it seems to be within our power to overcome and transform these shortcomings allowing us to develop into our true and fullest potential.

This life and individual existence may very well be a dream of sorts in the grand scheme of things, but then why not embrace the challenge and enjoy an adventurous and wonderful dream rather than suffering a nightmare of torment, mediocrity, boredom and denial?

That's what I think anyway........................

This too shall pass

Well I've been back in the Western world now for about a week. One is struck by the lack of plastic rubbish and open putrid drains in the streets. Not to mention the livestock, throngs of people, incessant beeping of horns, exhaust fumes and all that. It's fairly cold here down in Australia in mid winter - not exactly arctic cold but it is getting below zero in some parts.

Another shock to the system was having to pay more for a 15minute shuttle train from Brisbane airport to the city than it cost to travel 1274km across India by sleeper train for 27hrs. The plus is the lack of bacteria and the opportunity to earn some bucks to finance the next expedition to the sub-continent. If I get my act together that is and notwithstanding being struck down by a killer dose of swine flu or becoming a refugee of the 'global financial crisis'.

So India. She's a beauty alright; apart from all of the shitty stuff of course. In my time there I managed to come into contact with over a dozen Saints, Sages, Swamis and Satsang givers, most of whom I would rate quite highly in the Consciousness stakes (in so far as I can tell). I also got mauled by a dog, had two fairly serious bouts of gastro-intestinal illness and nearly became an international fund raiser for a mother-daughter con-team.

Particularly during the month of March I went through an intensive period of introspection and blog publishing which seemed to revolve around a cycle of experience, conceptualization and doubt. It’s not in every place where one could have such an opportunity.

My conclusion based upon said introspections is that the much talked about ‘I AM’ is the simple and direct sense of existing common to us all but mostly overlooked. By persistently and consistently redirecting ones attention away from the egoic ‘I’ (thoughts/feelings/intentions/identifications) back to the underlying pure sense of conscious-being and abiding as that, then presumably/reportedly/reputedly, sooner or later, some thresh-hold is breached and finally some kind of permanent shift occurs which is generally referred to as ‘Self-Realization’.

I have yet to verify that last contention for 'my-so-called-self' and if anyone else gets there before me please let me know how it is over there, on-the-other-side, home and dry.

To refine that somewhat, and to pose an answer to a question which was certainly going around in my head, then this basic sense of existing (‘I AM’) seems to be the unadulterated reflection of the unmanifest pure transcendental consciousness in the individual being before the ego gets it grubby little hands on it and covers up our inherently free and peaceful nature with all kinds of crap and shit! Still, that seems to be the game and if the pundits like Ramesh Balsekar are to be believed then it’s all part of the set-up by the mysterious Source.

Another puzzle I encountered along the way was that at one point I was confused in this quest if I should be focusing more upon the expanded sense of awareness I associated with the head-less space or upon the grounded sense of being I associated more with embodiment. That may be a valid question as far as meditation (upon an object) is concerned but what I realize is that as far as self-inquiry (upon the subject) is concerned, then the real bone of contention is who is the one who thinks they are choosing anything?

I don’t know about this Self-Realization malarkey but it seems to involve something about being here-now in conscious-presence with acceptance of reality as it is. Well it sounds alright to me and in the absence of a better plan I guess I’ll keep plugging away at it in my own sporadic way and perhaps one day the veils will drop. Inner peace is perhaps a better term in that it doesn’t seem to carry so much baggage of expectation and projection of what such a way of being would be like.

Anyway, good luck to you all in your own journey of inner peace and thanks for keeping me company along the way. It may be that I get back to India relatively soon for a second round and it may be that some more of my dribbles will appear on this blog from time to time. If so and if you’d like to keep up with the dribbles then you can register with this free website : http://www.watchthatpage.com/ to be notified of any new updates as well as through the usual subscription routes.

Again, thanks for sharing the ride with me which made it all the more worthwhile - that is, if you or I really exist in the first place………………

Bon voyage fellow travelers and Aum Shanti.


From 'I Am That' - Talks with Nisargadatta Maharaj :

"In spite of its primevality the sense of 'I am' is not the highest. It arises with the body (and) when Pure Awareness is attained, no need exists anymore, not even for 'I am', which is but a direction indicator towards the Absolute. What prevails (then) is that which cannot be described, that which is beyond words. It is this state which is most real, a state of pure potentiality, which is prior to everything. The 'I am' (is a) mere reflection of it. Return again and again to 'I am' until it is your only abode; until the ego as a limitation of 'I am' has disappeared. It is then that the Realisation will happen effortlessly."

Brain in a jar and the kaleidoscopic universe

It occurs to me that since our brain creates a picture of reality based upon electrical impulses from our senses then who is to say that we are not just brains in a jar in some laboratory floating in some nutritive solution and hooked up to electrodes feeding us impulses from some sophisticated computer?

I assume that I have a body but I only seem to experience it based on sensory input. Similarly, I assume that the people and places I perceive are also so real but are they anymore real then the people and places I experience in my dream? Certainly there seems to be more consistency and longevity to 'waking state reality' but does prove anything in itself?

Following on from the previous posting there is a sense of a personal me which assumes it is responsible for my life, my choices and my actions but is this anything more than some kind of perceptual illusion?

Maybe I am not a brain in a jar but maybe the brain itself is part of the illusion and the programmer is some kind of superconscious nonmaterial intelligence playing its own game.

The Sages tell us that all manifestation has its source in one Unified Consciousness which has created this drama and has individuated itself into billions of seemingly separate conscious entities. To experience itself evolving in awareness and eventually reaching the point of awakening from the hypnosis of separate individual doership to the reality of the one Unified Consciousness again.

Consciousness awakening to Consciousness, and for what? Maybe just why not? Just the play and experience of diversity and the joy of reunion once again, time after time and each time unique.

About the kaleidoscopic universe; if it's all just a play and perhaps there have been an infinity of universes coming into being (successive Big Bangs) and imploding back to the source again then perhaps 'In the Beginning', 'God' shakes up the energetic elements and parameters which govern the unfolding of each universe, rather like a kaleidoscope, and then each creation manifests its own unique beauty and symmetry according to multidimensional inter-related cycles within cycles. It may get ugly at times but presumably everything balances out in the end.

From the individual point of view? Might as well adjust to the uncertainty of life, realise that it's not personal and enjoy the ride; if one has the good fortune for that possibility.

Extension

I was supposed to be leaving tommorrow but was able to put my flight forward 3 days which will allow me the opportunity to attend Guru Purnima with Ramesh Balsekar. Guru Purnima, FTWDK, is the full moon day in July which is the traditional time for celebrating and expressing gratitude for our spiritual guides. Wayne Liqourman is also arriving from America for the occassion - he is a well reknowned Satsang giver of whom Ramesh has said is his spiritual son.

The last two days Ramesh has been too weak to give satsang so we have been watching DVD recordings which is also fine. Of course we wish him to have good health but we've all got to go at some time and when the time comes for him I am sure he will go with full acceptance and gratitude for the remarkable and blessed life he has had. For this reason, being here at Guru Purnima with him is also very special as the general expectation among his close circle is that it may very well be his last.

I haven't spoken with him directly again since the first day but the teaching he shares is perculating through. There are many external factors in life over which I have little or no control; I can only repond to them in the best way I see fit and am able to in the moment. My choices in life are governed by my genetics, up-to-date conditioning, feelings etc. so the question is, is it really possible that I can choose any differently than I do in any given situation?

Did I choose my inherent tendencies, did I choose my reasoning and feeling capacities, did I choose what formative experiences and influences I would be exposed to in life? And if I did have any influence over these was that also not guided by the same such pre-exisiting factors? How much choice do I really have? Can I choose my next thought or emotion? Can I choose what life will bring to me in the next moment or is it all just happening?

Perhaps I cannot choose what is arising in each moment but I can choose how I respond to them? If so, is that apparent choosing not also a function of the level of my awareness and development combined with my conditioning and genetic predispositions? Can I not then change my conditioning? Conditioning is changing all of the time according to new inputs and internal evolution but again, what governs which inputs I am exposed to and my inclinations towards change?

When one starts investigating and analysing in this way then it certainly causes one to question the sense of personal 'doership' (I am doing; I am choosing) which we all tenaciously hang onto as an implicit unconscious assumption.

So many Sages and Wisdom Traditions agree that the sense of personal doership is the illusion and the cause of suffering. Buddha says 'Events happen, deeds are done, but there is no individual doer thereof' - Radical indeed.

If all of that is true then who or what is it that I think and feel that I am? The Sages offer answers but ultimately guide us to make the investigation for ourselves and come to our own experiential conclusions.

What I know is that I didn't choose to have the tendencies and inclinations that I have and therefore rather than feeling pride or shame about them it makes more sense to observe the internal mechanism and in that awareness the causes of self-inflicted misery seem to tend towards dissolution.

Along with self-investigation and self-attention I have recently been resonating internally during meditation and in daily life with the resonant sound of Aum. This practice of Mantra Japa is a time tested and Sage authenticated means of helping to relax and quiet the wandering mind. When the practice becomes natural, spontaneous and effortless then one is said to be going the right way about it.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Penultimate

I'm in rainy Mumbai now after catching a cheap flight from Chennai. The decision came to abort my Nepal visa run idea for now and to return to Australia with my original flight booking on July 6th. If I hadn't used that ticket within a couple of months it would have expired. My general plan is to recharge the bank account and the immune system and then get back here for a second tour of duty sometime in the not too distant future only with less luggage.

While here in Mumbai for a few days I will be attending Satsang with Ramesh Balsekar who is quite well known across the world in the 'Satsang/Consciousness' circles. His own teacher was Nisargadatta Maharaj whom I mentioned in a previous posting. That is an interesting pairing as Nisargadatta was an uneducated tobacconist and Ramesh was the President of the bank of India. Consciousness knows no social barriers.

Ramesh is quite old now (92 I think) and very frail with no teeth which makes him a little difficult to understand at times. Apparently his wife passed away only a week ago so it seems quite possible that he himself is not long for this world. This morning I had a dialogue with him going into how I still get caught up in self-judgement at times and later on we got down to the fundamental question of 'Who Am I?'

He is also teaching the concept that Consciousness (or God/Universal power and intelligence) is all there is and we are part of that. That individual free will is an illusion (although we should do what we feel is best in any situation) and all actions are the unfolding of God's will. Therefore all so called good and bad are the expression of a Divine Play which is already predestined.

That may be the case but I argued the point with him that for me these are beliefs and I do not know the reality of the situation. There seems to be order and intelligence operating behind the scenes but beyond that I cannot say and prefer to leave such questions in the mystery basket.
It was at that point we got down to the fundamental of 'Who Am I?' and that ultimately stillness is the way, beyond the conceptual mind, with which I have no argument.

My visit to Mother Meera was good although undramatic. The stillness and silence of her presence are palpable and infectious. Also in between arriving there and leaving I dissappeared for a few days into TV land in my hotel room which was my first major exposure to the idiot box since I arrived in India. At least I caught some of my favourite type of documentaries on the Discovery and Nat Geo channels which are about surviving in the wild and on new eco-technologies.

Well, that's it for now. Next time I post will probably be a retrospective once I'm back in Australia. Hari Aum Tat Sat

Off the map

Hello. Been 3 weeks or something. The main reason for my silence has been that I've been moving in the Keralan countryside where email cafes, english speakers and whiteman are scarce on the ground. I left Devamruta Swami with Indian friend Ajit and visited with Ajits family for some time who were very hospitable and fed me many mangoes and other copious food stuffs, so at a guess I would say I filled up the body reserve which had become somewhat depleted after the bouts of illness.

We visited some ashrams (like the places of Nityananda and Papa Ramdas) and met some pretty cool people including Swami Sunil, Swami Gyanistananda and another Silent Swami whom I don't know his name but had the opportunity to communicate with through pen and paper. That was a good one and he advised me to come back to that place and do 48 days of silent solitary meditation at the temple of Goddess Mookambika - not sure of the story but somehow she is connected with Adi Shankara mentioned in last posts. Normally I don't go much for the temple idol scene but there was definitely some mysterious powerful energy there which drew ones mind inwards.

Now I am by myself in Bangalore transiting on my way to meet Mother Meera in Andrah Pradesh who is an Indian lady saint whom many also consider to be an embodiment of the Divine Mother. She has quite a different style from Hugging Ma and tends to be more Silent and Still. I met her in Germany 10 or 12 years ago and in a gentle and gradual way she seemed to have quite a powerful influence on me. Somehow and somewhat, my views and presumptions were opened up and broadened out in a subtle way.

Currently I am meeting many people who are living a life largely free of any external roots or securities. At once it is attractive and challenging. 'I', the apparent controller of 'my' ship, doesn't give up clinging and choosing and knowing easily.

So I now have to get some details off the net and then find my bus.
Until the nest time, Hari Aum

Cool and breezy with Kerala Swami

"This moment is the moment of entry; the feeling of Peace. All that there is to do is going into the sensation of the emotion - no verbal expression - touching the energy and let go, aware of the present moment."

These are some of the words on a brief information sheet in the meditation room at Devamrita Swami's simple home nestled amongst quiet village life in the lush Kerala country-side.

I got on the road again earlier this week after getting my test results back showing a mild reoccurance of Feb's Hep A attack. Nothing to do, nothing to worry about - in time the body clears it from the system. Rejoining my two travel companions who went on ahead we are now daily visiting a young (38) unpretentious Indian Swami whom I heard of through Jan from Aham Ashram in Tiruvannamalai.

STOP PRESS : as I am writing a big musical procession is going past receiving one Swami to town who is here to give some sort of healing camp. I saw the poster before - his Guru is Sri Sri Ravi Shankar who used to be involved with TM Maharishi and then branched out on his own in the early 80's and now has a substantial world wide following of his own. His 'lead product' is the 'Sudharshan Kriya' which is a daily vigourous breathing practice to energise the system and purify toxins. I learned it some years ago in NZ and quite liked it although I did not become a dedicated practitioner.

I should mention that I am staying in the town of Kalady which is celebrated as the birth place of Sri Adi Shankaracharya, a very important figure in Indian religious history who re-established the Advaitic Vedic Sanatana Dharma (one of the main streams of Indian religion/culture) in this land around 800 a.d. after centuries of Buddhist dominance.

We are staying temporarily in a rest house 5 mins walk from the Shankaracharya temple where the meditation vibration is palpable. TM Maharishi's own Guru, Bramananda Saraswati, was a descendant in the teaching line of Shankaracharya being somwhat akin to one of four Indian 'Popes' entrusted to keep the Vedic Advaita teaching tradition and social order alive (All is One; Unity in Diversity).

Anyway, back to Swami Devamrita Satsang. He is in the middle of nowhere so getting to him involves an hour or so on local buses which is an adventure in itself and quite pleasant once in the countryside. I don't quite know the Swami's full story but I gather that he had a more or less spontaneous Liberation Cataclysm sometime in his 20's at the holy mountain of Arunachala in Tiruvannamalai. After 7 subsequent years of seclusion and adjustment people started coming to him and the Teacher function naturally arose.

As expressed in the opening paragraph the main thing is the Silence which is the transformative catalyst, especially in the Presence of an Awakened One. There is also an opportunity to ask questions to help remove any confusions and thereby facilitating the process. That's basically it. No paraphernalia. No bells and whistles. No complicated philosophies. No strings attached. The house is simple and uncluttered, like the teaching, and Swami himself is light, easy going, spontaneous and uncomplicated.

I find it quite refreshing after the Amma experience where there is a general expectation of long years/lifetimes of purification through 'selfless' service (Seva) and deification of the Guru. I am more naturally inclined to the simplicity of the Silent herenow approach.

I asked Swami about this difference in emphasis and he responded that it depends upon the needs of the individual. For some the path of Seva and Devotion is more suitable and for others a more meditative path is the best. No doubt everyone needs a bit of this and that both but it seems to be a question of emphasis and horses for courses.

Although many of her devotees feel an inner personal guidance from Amma there is no doubt that Amma is directly working more on a level of the masses to uplift and ease the suffering of a large cross section of humanity.

When people asked Ramana Maharishi why he wasn't out and about helping the world he generally replied along the lines that the world we perceive is a very subjective one and instead of trying to change the appearance of 'out there' one should focus more on cleansing our own windows of perception through an inward process of self-inquiry and then see how it looks after inner transformation has occured. He also stated that the invisible vibrations of a Liberated One do more to uplift and sustain humanity than anything else.

That is not to say that Amma is not also spontaneously emanating uplifting vibrations but just that the outward expression of her inner state is on a different level and it's all good in the grand mysterious scheme of things.

It is all open but I think I will stay here visiting Swami for some time longer. I may not go to the North but either go back to Australia in July as originally planned (Visa's, flights, budget etc.) or renew my Visa in the nearer locale of Sri Lanka and keep going through to early next year. Time will tell..............

By the way, it's pretty rainy and thundery here in Kerala, but at least that keeps the temperature down. I recently heard that temperatures have been hitting 45'C back at the Mountain so I am happy to be under the protection of cloud cover. Makes drying your clothes a bit more difficult though and good job I have a good rain poncho from a very wet Koh Samui in Thailand late last year.

Hari Aum Tat Sat

seva and celibacy in mango heaven

well apologies for the long gap but aside from slightly difficult internet access I also had a dose of suspected typhoid fever which saw me in the intensive care ward for a day or two hooked up to an IV drip. again luckily I was in a good place as there is a small hospital on the ashram grounds here in Kerala where they looked after me.

not as rough as the Hep A experience but still pretty rough on that first day especially when my room mate pushed me in a wheel chair to the doctors and due to dehydration and lowered blood pressure I became temporarily blind and deaf, feeling very not very good. anyway, I have made a quick recovery with only a bit of retreating general weakness to show for it. the diagnosis is not firm and I am awaiting some blood test results on wednesday.

so after over three months in the spiritual home of self-inquiry in Tiruvannamalai I finally hit the road and arrived in Hugging Ma's place on the opposite coast in Kerala. It was a pleasant over night journey with my two companions Satyajit and Bhakta Valsallam. Kerala in general seems a lot more green and lush compared to Tiru as well as seeming fairly clean (at least around here). It's also a lot more humid but that is balanced off by the cooling sea breeze as I am only a couple of hundred metres from the shore and staying on the ninth floor of one of the ashrams many pink high rise buildings.

while the spiritual flavour in tiruvannamalai is centered around recognising and abiding in the ever present pure awareness herenow, the mood here is one of gradual purification through selfless service to others and devotion to the guru (Amma in this case). it's quite a different approach and the deification of the guru is readily apparent in the ascribing of all the events which happen to one here being according to the guru's omnicient grace for ones ultimate spiritual benefit.

in practice the residents generally do alot of karma yoga (work) for the ashram and attend daily programmes of devotional singing, ceremonies and chanting. of course all of that can be a meditation in itself but in practice there is much less emphasis placed on silent sitting meditation and there is a lack of a dedicated quiet meditation hall for anyone to do so.

when amma is in the ashram she is giving darshan four days a week which consists of her meeting with everyone individually for a few seconds, giving them a hug and making some soothing sounds in their ear. to date they estimate she has hugged 28 million people worldwide and sometimes goes for twenty hours. in her perception the greatest lack in this modern world is love and care for ones fellow beings so she is on a grand mission to spread the good vibes. the other stand out feature of her activities, as previously mentioned, is the huge amount of humanitarian work her organisation accomplishes even being recognised by the UN for the effectiveness and efficiency of her tsunami relief work. in addition there are schools, universities, orphanages, hospitals and on and on.

as a child and young woman she was a crazy wild mystic rolling around in the sand in divine ecsatsies, singing and dancing to God and becoming lost in deep meditative states. her family and community were initially against all of this but after some adjustments she is now recognised as a great saint by many people throughout India and the world. she is very practical and down to earth too and has no problem in bossing people around and giving them tough love when she sees that the situation demands it.

there does seem to be some magical quality in the air here and it is easy to get swept up somewhat in the feeling that Amma is somehow aware of and is looking after each individual. her devotees consider her to be an incaranation of the Divine Mother aspect of God but it is easier for me to think of her as a tremendous spiritual and practical being who embodies the qualities of universal motherhood.

I have enjoyed my time here and I like Amma very much. my hugs with her have felt good and I enjoyed a very good quality of meditation waiting in the darshan queue for two hours and sitting in the large hall. like Ramana Maharishi, she herself says that the ultimate realisation is formless and yet there is a lot of focus upon her own form by her devotees which represents a time honoured tradition in India of worshipping and serving the guru.

I myself am somewhat resistant to becoming fixated on another person in such a way and prefer to keep things more open. at the same time there is no doubt that Amma, and other beings like her, are very potent spiritual forces and can act as a conduit or catalyst for many peoples inner journey. another area of my resistance is to the huge emphasis placed on serving others as a spiritual path.

I'm sure that suits some people and I certainly have no problem with being a generally good chap but it is not my inclination to make it a full-time profession. such activities are supposed to be selfless service but so long as the ego persists there is always going to be some form of self-interest in any action. An inevitable lack of authenticity must creep in where one is doing it not because one naturally wants to help others but because one somehow feels one should or has to do it for the purpose of some spiritual gain. then again it's probably as good a way as any to see the workings of ones mind in self-generating misery so long as one has some space and time to digest and process it all. that's what I think anyway; others would say just surrender to the guru, serve the guru's mission and the guru will take care of ones spiritual growth.

that is part of this traditional Indian culture. another part which I also resist is the whole emphasis that one is either a married householder raising children or one is a celibate monk fully dedicated to the spiritual life. that doesn't suit me at all and I don't think it suits the reality of modern western life either. people here say that Amma is more lenient with her western devotees in regard to having relationships etc. but still the general ethos seems to be that celibacy is the best way to go even for couples.

Amma was an ecstatic mystic (which still comes out in her bhajan singing) but I wouldn't exactly say that there is a tone of celebration in the air here. It would be interesting to come back for a return visit sometime in the cool season when there is a much larger contingent of westerners here and see how the vibe is as at the moment it is dominated by the Indian crew.

some other highlights so far : a very inexpensive ashram juice bar where one can get all manner of delicious fruits and juices; swimming in the sea which is nice and cool compared with the hot bath on the other side; watching dolphins and sea eagles in the morning; having some strange funny little frenchman come with five suitcases to share the room with Satyajit and myself; hearing the devotional singing and chanting wafting through the ashram at all hours of the day, and very high on my list of favourites is the abundance of seasonal sweet juicy mangos available here for next to nothing so I am fast becoming a dedicated mangotarian.

sometime after wednesday I will slowly start to head north (possibly via Goa, Pune, Dharamsala, Rishikesh etc.) taking two months to make my way towards Nepal where I plan to stay for a couple of months and return to India with a new six month Visa.

until the next time........................

Inside the Golden Ball of Enlightenment

Or one could say Inside the Death Star as one has to admit that in this construction phase photograph the Matri Mandir bares a striking resemblance. What with the scam-girl drama it's taken me a bit of time to get around to reporting on my recent trip to Pondicherry and Auroville but now the dust has settled I will proceed :

So actually I was very impressed by the Matri Mandir, so much so that I extended my trip by an extra day so I could go inside once again. It's an amazing structure and going inside is like, to carry on the Star Wars theme, entering the Inner Sanctum of the Jedi Temple or like some ancient Atlantean Hall of Wisdom. I tried to get some inside photo's off the web but to no avail so I'll try my best to describe it.

The whole sphere is suspended above a white marble lotus water feature underneath which receives a ray of light which passes right through the central axis of the structure from the very top. When one goes inside, the curved walls are subtly lit in rose shades of colour with a kind of matrix structure spanning the inner surface. One is required to put on a pair of clean white socks (supplied) and is silently ushered through a doorway onto one of two upwardly spiraling suspended ramps which resemble the double helix of DNA.

Ascending as if through open space, spiraling upwards around the central column of light, one is awed into stillness by the magnificence of the place. Reaching about half way up the sphere one enters into the inner chamber. It is a large open circular space 24m in diameter and about 18m high. On the floor is a thick white luxurious carpet and twelve huge white columns reach up to the ceiling. The whole place is kept at a refreshingly cool temperature and in total silence.

A shaft of pure white light is focused in through the central apex of the curved roof and sent directly downwards into a huge, perfectly spherical clear quartz crystal ball which diffuses a portion throughout the otherwise dark chamber and sends the rest downwards to the lotus pond below. One takes ones place on one of 48 meditation mats laid out in perfect order around the hall, closes ones eyes and sits quietly.

The place has an atmosphere of deep stillness and is certainly conducive to meditation. The consort of Sri Aurobindo, 'Sweet Mother', specified and oversaw every detail of the inner structure and decor and said she would guarantee there would be a strong presence of the divine there.

Surrounding the great globe are twelve 'petals', or individual meditation chambers, each embodying one of several different noble qualities such as courage, generosity, aspiration etc. and each with it's own particular colour scheme and symbology.Clearly, the pure white, silent and zen-like inner chamber represents the simplicity and stillness of pure consciousness (white light) and the more outer aspects represent the diverse manifest aspects of that pure consciousness (all the colours and qualities of the rainbow).

As I said after jumping through all of the initial hurdles required I was impressed. Now I am able to go there freely and meditate inside for one hour between 9.30am and 10.30am with prior booking the day before. It is pretty cool. At the end of the day one doesn't really need any grand structures such as this to meditate in, Guatama the Buddha became Enlightened under a simple tree, but I have to say the Matri Mandir is impressive and I can certainly see myself revisiting and meditating there again from time to time.

Talking about trees there is also a 400 year old Banyan tree next to the Matri Mandir which is quite amazing. Banyan trees can become really huge and spread out over a large area. In order to support the bulk of the massive branches the tree sends down tendrils which take root in the earth and form new trunks. So one tree can actually create a small forest all by itself, all connected together to one original central core.

There were other aspects to my 3 day trip such as getting hit on by a gay Indian man on the town bus (offer declined), forming a bit of an infatuation with a hot French woman at the Matri Mandir bag deposit office, watching some movie footage from the 1950's of the Sri Aurobindo Ashram which resembled a Hitler Youth parade (complete with a slight variation on the 'sieg heil' salute), eating a meal in the Auroville 'Solar Kitchen', which prepares over 1000 meals a day by collecting sunlight to form steam for cooking, and making a few visits to the Indian sweet shop for Kulfi (very rich Indian ice-cream) and various other edible delights.

My next adventure is looking very likely to be a cross country train journey to Kerala on Monday night to be with Amma (famous hugging saint) for 10 days in her Ashram. Looks like I am going together with my Indian chess/meditator friend Batel Valsaram and a Swiss dude, Andreas/Satyajit, who has been living in India for a number of years. After that I am open. I have a few leads on various yogis, swamis, ashrams and gurus around Kerala I can follow up and then, I can come back here or I can proceed gradually north towards the Himalayas....................

It's a hard life with so many decisions to make but somehow, day by day, I am managing.

Epilogue

Well that last one seemed to stir up a bit of energy. I gave the girl back her forged document yesterday morning. Taking Murugans advice I let things be rather than confronting them with their lies. Predictably the girl was still sticking 'sincerely' to her story that it was all a misunderstanding and blah blah blah. I just said yes, yes. She asked when I am coming for my next Tamil lesson, I told her I will let her know when I am coming next (which is never). She asked if I am angry with her. I said goodbye, got on my bike and rode off without looking back.

There was temptation to confront them but what good would it do really? It would only have been venting on them. They seem to be without conscience or remorse and don't seem to know the difference between truth and lies. Any energy given to them is only more fuel for their games of deception. I let it go and don't expect there to be anymore to this particular story.

Jan, from A. Ramana's Aham Ashram India, told me one other story of a bedraggled woman beggar she would always see with a small dirty baby, always with a runny nose. Naturally it evokes ones concern and compassion but the funny thing was she saw the same woman every year, year after year, with a different baby but with the same runny nose. She must have been renting the babies or doing some kind of profit sharing deal with the real mothers!

It's kind of funny really as well as being sad. These people are not nearly as miserable and pathetic as they always seem. It's all just part of the professional begging act which they prefer rather than working for a living. True, many of the lower level jobs don't pay much but ................................ it must be a complex story as to how this kind of pervasive degeneration takes place and of course, it's not only India. It's all over the world in different varieties.

Well, I'm glad that it's not up to me to try and solve all of the worlds problems. The other side of the coin is that India is a very cheap place for people like me to come and live for extended periods of time so I guess it's all part of the polarity of life. Who ever said this world was supposed to be a heaven? Things are like this now.........

the evil lieing little bitch and the prostitute hag sorceress

I had wanted to give the girl the benefit of the doubt that she was just young, naive and misguided by her mother but it now seems that the whole family is corrupt to the core.

There is one man here who runs a local internet cafe/travel centre and he gave me a couple of heads up about this situation while I was still in the investigation stage. He himself has a good business and helps to sponsor some local kids. Today we went together to the girls home.

The girl is continually asking me for the statement back and I was slightly concerned that there may be some kind of local gang involved who might come looking for me if I didn't. I had initially been intending to keep it as protection against any extortion attempts.

The internet guy, Murugan, assured me that there is no local mafia or anything like that and there is nothing to worry about. We went there together, at a time arranged with the girl, and I was glad to see there were no hench men just the family and a couple of cows.

To cut a long story short Murugan won their confidence and got them talking. There is absolutely no genuine remorse, just more bullshit stories trying to cover their tracks and acting all innocent. They even tried to explain it all as a misunderstanding and asked if I can still give them money.

Talking in their local language, as Murugan informed me later, their contempt for what they perceive as rich stupid foreigners is thinly veiled and in their annoyance that I wasn't handing over the statement like they wanted, and in their pride and arrogance that I might think they are mere beggars, the old woman (who I had assumed was grannie but they called auntie) let slip that they actually own the land they are living on, and therefore are not the impoverished serfs they made themselves out to be.

Just continuous lies, deceit, attempted manipulations, feigned helplessness and story telling. Murugan also reckoned that they owned the plush a/c taxi that had been sitting there for a couple of weeks and that the mother (who he thought might actually be the girls older sister) is a small scale prostitute to a handful of local men. I'm not quite sure how he figured that last one out but he certainly seems to be pretty clued into how things work around here.

The latest thing is the girl sent me a text saying how very sorry she is, that I am her best friend and she needs my friendship. Friends like that I can do without. It's difficult to fathom how they can live like this and somehow think it is normal and okay. I have no doubt that they have been laughing at me and pouring their derision upon me all along and I've half a mind to turn the girl in to the college complete with the forged document.

However I probably won't because I can't think what kind of a monster it would help to create if she were thrown out of college and prosecuted. At least if she finishes her education she has a chance of getting a reasonable job and of going straight. On the other hand, India is full of corrupt people in all kinds of high places. Corruption seems endemic to India in this day and age and so these people are far from being unique even in this small place. The other reason for not doing it is that this is a place I am likely to return to many times and so I don't want to bring down a vendetta upon myself.

So what to say? What an eye opener. This place is full of human cockroaches, vermin and mosquitos. I am shocked and stunned. At the same time there are many dignified and good people here. It would be handy to be able to see aura's or something sometimes so one could more easily tell the difference. The 'mother' I found a bit manipulative from early on but the girl had me fooled good and proper.